We've all experienced the proverbial broken heart. Whether in adolescence or adulthood, we all remember "the one that got away," the one that didn't love us as much as we loved them, the one that made us feel "abandoned." The pain of a first or second or third or any breakup almost feels like a stab to the heart; it's hard to eat, sleep and/or enjoy life again. It stings and can create a "hot button." It's hard to believe that love could ever come again then lo and behold, a new perfect lover appears!
If love is so painful, how do we risk the vulnerability of being hurt again? How do we forget the past and jump in all over again? Here is one "how" scenario: we love, we lose that love, we swear never to love again, we find a new love interest, we convince ourselves that this time is different and here we go again. We are able to rationalize that this time we won't need our bullet proof vests but deep down inside, we regret taking them off.
Another question could be "why?" Why would we risk the chance of feeling the pain of loss again?
Well, there are those that have great difficulty being on their own without a "mate." If someone is not happy with their own company and does not know how to make themselves happy, there may be a desperate feeling to "couple" again. Some people do not feel lovable, desirable or attractive unless they have a significant other to tell them they are lovable, desirable and attractive; this is a dangerous premise as we've discussed in previous blog entries on self esteem. Allowing others to define your self worth creates a very dangerous "why" scenario and may result in a badly treated partner staying in a very dissatisfying relationship. Some are just "addicted to love" or that rush you get with someone new. Others may really want to create a family and understand the rewards of sharing one's life with a partner and the joy of raising children.
Often we acquire life's little "buttons" over the years and the "fear of abandonment" button is a huge one. So how do humans continue to go forth and propagate? What is the best mindset to navigate this "sea of love?" My advice as a clinician would be to incorporate healthy boundaries ie get to know your prospective partner slowly before removing the "vest" completely. Also, you may want to look at any similarities between past unsuccessful relationships and the type of partner you are choosing. I would also recommend being able to be on your own in between relationships and work on your self esteem before jumping into those "waters" again.
We all deserve love and respect. Sometimes we may remove our life vests prematurely but through the pain of "contrast" and loss we learn what we like, want and hope for. Remember, you may have to cut the sharks loose if they accidentally get caught in your net. If someone doesn't value you for you, they are not a true match; don't waste your precious time with them. Your "Twin Flame," "Soul Mate" or "True Partner" is out there. So if you decide that it is better to love and lose than not to love at all, don't settle for less.
