Do You Want Your Partner to Change? (or do you want a new partner?)

Sometimes I get a male client that comes to therapy because his wife says he needs to change.  These are usually well meaning husbands that are trying to change but still cannot please their wives no matter how they try. They feel like they come up short despite their efforts.  Their wives continually remark on their deficits and these men eventually end up taking all the blame for any problems in the marriage.  These men are "sent" to therapy when it may be the wives that need it. Maybe these wives don't want to admit that there is nothing their man can do to please them; maybe they want a different man.

Usually we are attracted to someone that reminds us of a parent that we still have issues with.  Then as time goes by we question the reason we "married our father/mother!"  There are always things about the person you live with that will bug you; some behaviors may be changeable with good communication and effort.  But what if these women are asking their spouses to be someone else? This is reminding me of my previous blog on infidelity.

Maybe they don't want to admit that the behaviors and attributes that they are demanding not only don't come naturally but may be impossible for their husband to sustain.  Is it fair to ask your spouse to be someone else when he was accepted for his authentic self for years?  Now it's just not good enough and the men are puzzled.  Have these women realized that they married the wrong partner but because of finances, children, and/or stability they don't want to admit it?  If they are sending their spouses to individual therapy and not accompanying them to couples counseling, are they taking any responsibility for their own part in this marital dance?

So ladies, I guess what I'm trying to say is that no one's perfect; weigh the pro's and con's of your husband's attributes and behaviors and appreciate and concentrate on the positives.  Then decide what needs are and are not being met in the marriage and choose your deal breakers.  It's really not fair to convince your mate that everything is his fault and that his authentic self is not good enough for you anymore.  This can result in low self esteem which can result in losing respect for him and his contemplating getting his ego stroked elsewhere.  Why not just let him go and find someone that will think his authentic self is awesome.  Don't we all deserve to be with someone who loves us for who we really are?