Can Abusive Treatment Become Normalized?

In the past, I have felt confused when I see or hear of people that allow themselves to be in a relationship where they are disrespected and abused on a daily basis.  I understand that often times some get into situations in which they feel helpless to change, especially if this relationship is connected to their financial situation or basic needs ie room and board.  This could be a parent, spouse or employer that seems to have financial power over you.

But there are more reasons to relinquish power besides a fear of financial insecurity.  I'm sure we've all seen or heard of people who begin life in an abusive household, then date someone abusive and end up with an abusive spouse.  For those that don't understand how this can happen I'm going to explore some other situations when it can.

Of course, everything begins in childhood because one can't help but model after their parents' behaviors. If the marital behavior witnessed is disrespectful and abusive, one tends to file that in the subconscious for later relationships in life.  This is what one expects that an intimate partnership will look like.  

Another part of this scenario is that due to the tumult, unhappiness, anger and dissatisfaction of these parents, the children often receive the brunt of this ie neglect, emotional and/or physical abuse, abandonment feelings when one parent moves out and low self worth.  If these parents are not able to give unconditional love because of their own unhealthy emotional and mental status, a child can feel unlovable or not good enough to deserve love ie "If my own parents don't stay, comfort me or love me unconditionally, I must be less than what is necessary to receive those things.

This is how a child grows up to become the perfect adult victim of an abuser.  This type of early experience often results in low self worth, desperation and people pleasing ie settling for an unsuitable partner due to the limiting belief that one is lucky to get anyone to love the unlovable. Unfortunately, the abuser is choosing this victim because of this limiting belief knowing they can manipulate and build on it ie "No one else will want you and you will be all alone if you leave." They also realize that they must alienate anyone that may shine a light on the true nature of the abuser so they systematically demonize these friends/relatives one by one until their victim is solely dependent on their abuser.

There is another reason why I feel these relationships, as painful as they are, can be hard to leave.  Besides the limiting belief that this must be love since my parents treated me this way, there is the subconscious expectation that once the abuse is over, the apologies, make up behavior and forgiveness will feel good.  The forgiveness is for the victim since the abuser will make the case that they wouldn't have to hurt their victim if they behaved better.  This is called "gaslighting."

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, please know there is always a way out.  Don't give up hope. Call Women in Distress of Broward County, FL Hotline at 954-761-1133 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. Print this information out and keep it in your purse to share or in case of emergency.