Do You Want Your Partner to Change? (or do you want a new partner?)

Sometimes I get a male client that comes to therapy because his wife says he needs to change.  These are usually well meaning husbands that are trying to change but still cannot please their wives no matter how they try. They feel like they come up short despite their efforts.  Their wives continually remark on their deficits and these men eventually end up taking all the blame for any problems in the marriage.  These men are "sent" to therapy when it may be the wives that need it. Maybe these wives don't want to admit that there is nothing their man can do to please them; maybe they want a different man.

Usually we are attracted to someone that reminds us of a parent that we still have issues with.  Then as time goes by we question the reason we "married our father/mother!"  There are always things about the person you live with that will bug you; some behaviors may be changeable with good communication and effort.  But what if these women are asking their spouses to be someone else? This is reminding me of my previous blog on infidelity.

Maybe they don't want to admit that the behaviors and attributes that they are demanding not only don't come naturally but may be impossible for their husband to sustain.  Is it fair to ask your spouse to be someone else when he was accepted for his authentic self for years?  Now it's just not good enough and the men are puzzled.  Have these women realized that they married the wrong partner but because of finances, children, and/or stability they don't want to admit it?  If they are sending their spouses to individual therapy and not accompanying them to couples counseling, are they taking any responsibility for their own part in this marital dance?

So ladies, I guess what I'm trying to say is that no one's perfect; weigh the pro's and con's of your husband's attributes and behaviors and appreciate and concentrate on the positives.  Then decide what needs are and are not being met in the marriage and choose your deal breakers.  It's really not fair to convince your mate that everything is his fault and that his authentic self is not good enough for you anymore.  This can result in low self esteem which can result in losing respect for him and his contemplating getting his ego stroked elsewhere.  Why not just let him go and find someone that will think his authentic self is awesome.  Don't we all deserve to be with someone who loves us for who we really are?

Once a Cheater Always a Cheater?

In some cultures/countries, the moral code about monogamy is more lax than in the U.S.  There are also people we may call "players" who get a thrill from deceiving a partner while putting another "notch on their belt" so to speak. There are also those that are selfish, narcissistic and will do whatever pleases them without a conscience even if it hurts others.  Self esteem may play a part in these situations but I am not addressing these examples.

I would like to discuss a topic that arises from time to time with a female client's male counterpart.
They have a man in their life that adores them, can't do enough for them and continually confesses love for them and then is caught cheating on them.  This seems to happen in new relationships as well as long lasting marriages.  When the couple inevitably comes to couples counseling, the wife will ask, "why," and the husband usually says that he doesn't know why.  He explains that he means what he says when he says it ie "I love you. I want to spend my life with you.  There is no one else on this planet for me; just you."

How can this be?  They profess their love and within minutes they're calling their mistress to make a date for the weekend.  This is the most puzzling form of ambivalence I've ever seen; changing their minds from one minute to the next and then making horribly bad decisions that can disrupt the lives of everyone that is involved ie the spouse, the kids, the mistress' spouse if applicable and of course, the cheater who may lose his home, his wife and his family life.

So, what would cause someone to oscillate back and forth like this and take such a big risk? Initially, it may seem like a selfishness ie wanting his cake and wanting to eat it as well and maybe, this is part of the equation.  But what if this isn't as cut and dry as "I want what I want when I want it?"

Some people act out of fear instead of love ie fear of judgment, fear of aging, and/or fear of not deserving happiness to name a few.  What if some of these scenarios are driven by low self esteem, feelings of unworthiness and feelings of not deserving what they have?  Could this also be a form of self sabotage?   If a spouse or partner has low self esteem, they may feel that they cannot feel good about themselves unless they prove they are attractive to another member of the opposite sex.  (This is very similar to my last blog on low self esteem in women, "If a tree falls...")

As anyone who has read my blogs on Self Esteem knows, self love comes from inside and trying to prove worthiness with external things and people is fruitless.  So this spouse/partner seeks his self esteem with an affair and then feels worse about himself for acting so deceitfully.  Am I making excuses for these lost souls?  No way!  I'm just saying that there may be more than one reason for this kind of behavior.

Summation:  Communication is one of the most important pieces of a successful relationship.  If a partner is feeling less than, it may be time to ask for help from a spouse, therapist, or someone that can assist with a much needed shift in thinking.  I know it's hard not to judge in these situations but perhaps it would be more beneficial to try.  Remember, we are talking about those that are willing to get help and that are trying to change; those that feel empathy and remorse due to the pain and suffering they've caused. Unfortunately, this may not guarantee that it won't happen again.

Do I think a second chance is warranted?  No one can decide that for someone else.  Only you know what your "deal breakers" are.  I recommend you "go with your gut."

If a Tree Falls......?

Most of us have heard the saying, "If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?"  I'm thinking yes.  lol  Which leads me to my new blog; if a woman doesn't have a man telling her that she's desirable, lovable, and/or attractive, can she still be those things?

I know I haven't written in a while, but I could not ignore how many female clients came in this week with this topic on their minds.  So many women continue to give away their power by allowing others, especially men, to define their self worth.  Many women feel that if they are not "coupled" or in a relationship with a man, they are less than and/or unlovable; they have not yet learned to be happy and love and value themselves without having a man's attention.

This can be quite damaging to their self esteem especially if and when a man puts them down, leaves, or things don't work out between them.  They will tend to blame themselves and carry the limiting belief that no one else will have them thus making desperate decisions the next time any man pays them attention.  Instead of working on their self esteem and waiting for a healthy partnership, they jump at the first chance to couple again which more times than not ends up very similar to their past unsatisfying relationships.

It's almost like having a sign on your forehead or a sonar homing device attached to your head; the men that are looking for someone easily manipulated hone in on women like this hence another pattern of their self esteem being held hostage by this new partner.  You would think that these men all read the same book because they all seem to do the same thing ie they find a woman and begin their assessment.

First they may make some jokes about the woman's appearance or give "constructive" criticism about how they could look better.  If their victim accepts this veiled emotional abuse they go in for the kill; they tell her they love her right away, tell her how beautiful she is continuously and needs to know where she is at all times in the guise of caring so much about her.  Talks about their future although they just met and puts down her friends/family if he can't fool them with his charm.

Once he alienates most of her friends and family, he has her undivided attention and that's when the brainwashing begins.  This usually manifests in anger, put downs, punishments like the silent treatment and sometimes physical abuse; next come the apologies and the rationale that he wouldn't do those mean things if she behaved differently ie gas lighting and making it her fault.  Eventually, the woman feels inferior and that she cannot trust her own judgment anymore.  Not a pretty picture.

Well, I didn't know I was going to end up writing about this type of scenario but maybe it will motivate some women to work on their self esteem to avoid this type of relationship.  I would recommend reading anything by Louise Hay especially "You Can Heal Your Life" and listen to her affirmations on YouTube.  A good therapist can also help to improve self esteem and address any limiting beliefs that linger.  EMDR can also address the more deep seated "buttons" that have resulted from relationships like these.

Learn to love yourself and acknowledge your own awesomeness!

Namaste,

Lisa