In some cultures/countries, the moral code about monogamy is more lax than in the U.S. There are also people we may call "players" who get a thrill from deceiving a partner while putting another "notch on their belt" so to speak. There are also those that are selfish, narcissistic and will do whatever pleases them without a conscience even if it hurts others. Self esteem may play a part in these situations but I am not addressing these examples.
I would like to discuss a topic that arises from time to time with a female client's male counterpart.
They have a man in their life that adores them, can't do enough for them and continually confesses love for them and then is caught cheating on them. This seems to happen in new relationships as well as long lasting marriages. When the couple inevitably comes to couples counseling, the wife will ask, "why," and the husband usually says that he doesn't know why. He explains that he means what he says when he says it ie "I love you. I want to spend my life with you. There is no one else on this planet for me; just you."
How can this be? They profess their love and within minutes they're calling their mistress to make a date for the weekend. This is the most puzzling form of ambivalence I've ever seen; changing their minds from one minute to the next and then making horribly bad decisions that can disrupt the lives of everyone that is involved ie the spouse, the kids, the mistress' spouse if applicable and of course, the cheater who may lose his home, his wife and his family life.
So, what would cause someone to oscillate back and forth like this and take such a big risk? Initially, it may seem like a selfishness ie wanting his cake and wanting to eat it as well and maybe, this is part of the equation. But what if this isn't as cut and dry as "I want what I want when I want it?"
Some people act out of fear instead of love ie fear of judgment, fear of aging, and/or fear of not deserving happiness to name a few. What if some of these scenarios are driven by low self esteem, feelings of unworthiness and feelings of not deserving what they have? Could this also be a form of self sabotage? If a spouse or partner has low self esteem, they may feel that they cannot feel good about themselves unless they prove they are attractive to another member of the opposite sex. (This is very similar to my last blog on low self esteem in women, "If a tree falls...")
As anyone who has read my blogs on Self Esteem knows, self love comes from inside and trying to prove worthiness with external things and people is fruitless. So this spouse/partner seeks his self esteem with an affair and then feels worse about himself for acting so deceitfully. Am I making excuses for these lost souls? No way! I'm just saying that there may be more than one reason for this kind of behavior.
Summation: Communication is one of the most important pieces of a successful relationship. If a partner is feeling less than, it may be time to ask for help from a spouse, therapist, or someone that can assist with a much needed shift in thinking. I know it's hard not to judge in these situations but perhaps it would be more beneficial to try. Remember, we are talking about those that are willing to get help and that are trying to change; those that feel empathy and remorse due to the pain and suffering they've caused. Unfortunately, this may not guarantee that it won't happen again.
Do I think a second chance is warranted? No one can decide that for someone else. Only you know what your "deal breakers" are. I recommend you "go with your gut."
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