I know I promised to write about co-dependence but something else came up that will lead us to that topic. I was watching Shawn Achor, author of "The Happiness Advantage, on Super Soul Sunday. He was saying many things that I have said to my clients including this: Science, Psychology and Spirituality are all saying the same thing in different words! Religion and Spirituality have always been recommending love and gratitude for a happier life. Now the sciences are getting on board with this school of thought.
When we come from love, instead of ego, and are grateful for what we have in our lives, we are happier. This is the way of thinking for most religious and spiritual people but it is also recommended in Psychology. Cognitive Therapy is probably the most common modality in psychological treatment today. Cognitive Therapy is changing the way that you think; by rewriting your story and interpreting your life in a positive light, you will probably be happier and experience improved mental health. Positive Psychology is recommending less judgment and more gratitude and forgiveness; separating from others' behaviors/words and avoid depending on others for your happiness and self worth; we are all responsible for our own happiness which brings me to Co-Dependency.
Many people think that Co-Dependency means you are dependent on other people too much; this is not the whole definition. People that exhibit co-dependent behavior do depend on others but mostly for them to define their self worth. People pleasing is a co-dependent behavior; when you say, "yes" when you mean "no," you are not being your authentic self. When I ask clients why they say "yes" even at the expense of their own mental health, they usually respond that, "People won't like me if I say, "no." They explain that if someone doesn't like them, they have no self worth. Allowing others to define your self worth is giving away your power and setting you up for a fall later. This goes back to my blog on self esteem/self worth; if someone tells you you're stupid and unworthy, does that make it true?
Now Science is weighing in on happiness. Researchers are studying brain activity/changes and are finding physiological evidence that the way we think and respond to life and others affects our physical health. Studies are showing that meditation and positive thinking can improve your physical health despite your DNA and predispositions to illness via your genes.
So when studying the path to Happiness via your spiritual beliefs, your mental health, or your medical/physical health, you will eventually come to the same conclusion; LOVE. When you love yourself, you take better care of yourself and are happier; this in turn creates the desire to show love to others which continues that happiness cycle. Maybe the Hippies were on to something after all?
Enjoy the rest of your weekend,
Lisa
Sunday, June 26, 2016
Monday, June 20, 2016
Victimization
Happy Summer Solstice! Since there is a full moon on this first day of Summer for the first time in 70 years, the "energy" experts have explained that the atmosphere may feel intense. This could lead to misunderstandings and generalizations. I feel that this is the perfect time to talk about victimization.
Feeling like a victim is not a pleasant sensation. So why do so many people take this role when interpreting their world? How does someone get into this pattern of "everyone is out to wrong me?" Why do people continually want others to judge who is the bad guy in a situation?
I think that one thing that people of this mindset have in common is their world view; do you believe that man is inherently good or evil? Yes, we are all capable of "good and bad" behavior but do you always expect the worst from people? Do you take things personally and assume things that could really be limiting beliefs? This could lead to misunderstandings and unkind words. Then, when someone does appear to have "wronged" you, do you say, "See, I told you so?" This can become a self fulfilling prophecy. (and if Law of Attraction is true, this is what will be attracted!)
If you are identifying with this blog, please read, "The Four Agreements" by Miguel Ruiz. I don't think that I will spoil much by telling you what these agreements are. The first one is "Be Impeccable with your Words." Words can hurt or help and are more powerful than you realize so please treat others as you would like to be treated. (The Golden Rule, remember?)
The second agreement is "Don't Assume Anything!" You know the saying that assuming makes an "ass out of u and me." Well, I think this is true. When we assume what the other person means, we don't take the time to disclose our feelings and give them the chance to explain their true meaning. So many unnecessary arguments have begun this way.
The third agreement is "Don't Take Anything Personally!" Let's face it, others' comments are most likely "their stuff" and coming from their world view. I'm sure you've also seen others complain about your behavior which in fact it is their own behavior they are describing ie projection. It is preferable to learn how to separate from their view and be mindful of where they are coming from. Avoid allowing others to define you; you are giving away your power when you don't know your own self worth.
The fourth agreement is "Do your Best with the First Three Agreements!" No one is perfect and we may not always get it right, but if you know your own self worth, you won't become defensive and feel victimized over and over again. Hopefully, you will also be ok with being your authentic self ie avoid saying, "yes" when you really mean "no." If you fear you will be rejected if you disappoint others and do a 360 on your opinion if it doesn't match someone else's, it shows a people pleasing personality and a diminished sense of self.
We may have to talk about "Codependency" tomorrow.
Ciao for now,
Lisa
Feeling like a victim is not a pleasant sensation. So why do so many people take this role when interpreting their world? How does someone get into this pattern of "everyone is out to wrong me?" Why do people continually want others to judge who is the bad guy in a situation?
I think that one thing that people of this mindset have in common is their world view; do you believe that man is inherently good or evil? Yes, we are all capable of "good and bad" behavior but do you always expect the worst from people? Do you take things personally and assume things that could really be limiting beliefs? This could lead to misunderstandings and unkind words. Then, when someone does appear to have "wronged" you, do you say, "See, I told you so?" This can become a self fulfilling prophecy. (and if Law of Attraction is true, this is what will be attracted!)
If you are identifying with this blog, please read, "The Four Agreements" by Miguel Ruiz. I don't think that I will spoil much by telling you what these agreements are. The first one is "Be Impeccable with your Words." Words can hurt or help and are more powerful than you realize so please treat others as you would like to be treated. (The Golden Rule, remember?)
The second agreement is "Don't Assume Anything!" You know the saying that assuming makes an "ass out of u and me." Well, I think this is true. When we assume what the other person means, we don't take the time to disclose our feelings and give them the chance to explain their true meaning. So many unnecessary arguments have begun this way.
The third agreement is "Don't Take Anything Personally!" Let's face it, others' comments are most likely "their stuff" and coming from their world view. I'm sure you've also seen others complain about your behavior which in fact it is their own behavior they are describing ie projection. It is preferable to learn how to separate from their view and be mindful of where they are coming from. Avoid allowing others to define you; you are giving away your power when you don't know your own self worth.
The fourth agreement is "Do your Best with the First Three Agreements!" No one is perfect and we may not always get it right, but if you know your own self worth, you won't become defensive and feel victimized over and over again. Hopefully, you will also be ok with being your authentic self ie avoid saying, "yes" when you really mean "no." If you fear you will be rejected if you disappoint others and do a 360 on your opinion if it doesn't match someone else's, it shows a people pleasing personality and a diminished sense of self.
We may have to talk about "Codependency" tomorrow.
Ciao for now,
Lisa
Thursday, June 16, 2016
Blogging, Flow and Inner Dialog
Ok, don't laugh (you can laugh; I won't know) but I didn't realize that I had to choose my blog settings to allow comments. Duh! No wonder you guys aren't responding! I'm getting all of this traffic and no one had commented on what I was writing. Ok, so now you know what a rookie I am to this blogging.
So why is a rookie blogger writing on Blogspot? Well, it's kind of selfish. I feel so good when I help others feel good, that I wanted to reach out to as many people as possible. Also, I believe that if you feel good and you love yourself, you won't want to hurt anyone. If everyone on the planet felt good and loved themselves, it would be the prescription for world peace! (Sorry, I was a Hippie in the '70's)
But where do I come up with all of this positive psychology psychobabble? I'm not sure. I read a lot of different books and articles and use these ideas with my clients who seem to benefit greatly from them. They appear to progress faster once they retrain their brains to use the power of positive thinking. Once I get writing, I think I enter a state of "Flow." I get into the "zone" and it comes pouring out! This is the Wikipedia definition of Flow:
So why is a rookie blogger writing on Blogspot? Well, it's kind of selfish. I feel so good when I help others feel good, that I wanted to reach out to as many people as possible. Also, I believe that if you feel good and you love yourself, you won't want to hurt anyone. If everyone on the planet felt good and loved themselves, it would be the prescription for world peace! (Sorry, I was a Hippie in the '70's)
But where do I come up with all of this positive psychology psychobabble? I'm not sure. I read a lot of different books and articles and use these ideas with my clients who seem to benefit greatly from them. They appear to progress faster once they retrain their brains to use the power of positive thinking. Once I get writing, I think I enter a state of "Flow." I get into the "zone" and it comes pouring out! This is the Wikipedia definition of Flow:
Flow
Psychology
In positive psychology, flow, also known as the zone, is the mental state of operation in which a person performing an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity. In essence, flow is characterized by complete absorption in what one does.
Today, I just want to talk about the voice in your head. No, not like in an auditory hallucination but that inner dialog that we all have. The running commentary that is critiquing everything you do and say. I touched on this in my recent blogs on Happiness and Gratitude but I want to drive this point home again.
Many people do not even realize it is there; they are usually the people that have heard it before and don't want to hear the negativity again so they don't take the time to sit still and listen anymore. It's important to your self esteem and happiness to catch yourself when you're going negative in your head. Being mindful of what you're thinking will give you more insight into why you feel stuck, dissatisfied, have panic attacks or just feel "less than."
Once you get good at noticing and catching it, the next step is to turn it around. Like the "Triumphing and Transitioning" in my BLT method (see previous blogs), you need to work on getting good at going positive. If you're going to think about the "What ifs," instead of thinking of the worst case scenarios, why not think about "What if this turns out awesome?" Neither of the "what ifs" are based in reality so why not think about what you want and what you like and what you hope for?
If Louise Hay is right, and your thoughts create your life, don't you want to know why your life is turning out the way it has? I would recommend reading any of her books especially "You Can Heal Your Life." She is the queen of positive affirmations and you can find many of her videos on YouTube.
What are you thinking right now? Please comment below.
Wishing you, love, light, and flow,
Lisa
EMDR
Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (revised)
I finally read this definition of EMDR from the EMDRIA website and I was very surprised to find so many typos! My apologies! Here is a layman's explanation of what EMDR is about:
EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing is a great alternative treatment for people that feel "stuck." When clients come in and say, "I know what to do to feel better but I feel too stuck to move forward," I suggest EMDR.
In the past, clinicians would ask the client to follow the therapist's finger with their eyes. This is an attempt to get the client's eyes to go back and forth like when you're in REM sleep; replicating the dream state that allows you to reprocess memories. Now we have these handy "bilaterals." These are simply little plastic pods that alternately vibrate and help the client to use both sides of their brain to reprocess these memories. When the client closes their eyes while holding the vibrating bilaterals, I can see that their eyes are going back and forth under their eyelids! Very cool stuff here. :)
Before I consider using EMDR with a client, I have to make sure that they can "self soothe" during the session if needed. EMDR can bring up all kinds of memories and emotions and if things get too intense, I need to know the client can "self regulate." I usually teach them visualization techniques that they can practice when they feel "uneasy" in between sessions. Once I am convinced that they can handle the emotionality that may ensue, we choose a memory that still has "charge." We would use a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the most upsetting feeling when thinking of the memory; we would choose a memory that still has a high number rating of upsetting feelings.
There is a protocol of questions alternating between right and left brain questions. The memory that is still giving you this angst is trapped on the right side of your brain; the EMDR will hopefully push it to the left side or intellectual side of the brain so that the client can reprocess the memory logically without all of the emotional feelings present. Alternating between left and right brain questions begins the process of getting the client to use both sides of their brain.
Then the client holds the "bilaterals" in the palms of their hands. The client simply lets their mind go from the chosen memory to wherever it leads like watching their lives in a movie or like sitting on a train watching the stations going by. The clinician will stop the bilaterals every 30 - 60 seconds to check in; the client will give a brief synopsis ie "I'm in my childhood kitchen with my father." Since the chosen memory is connected to many others, the next check in could be, "I'm now in my present kitchen with my spouse!"
As the session progresses, the trained clinician can tell when the memory is being reprocessed and the client's "story" is finally being rewritten or interpreted from a more positive point of view. At this point the therapist will endeavor to "install" or instill an empowering language and feeling to go with the originally chosen memory.
So if we are successful, you will still have the memory, but you will no longer have the negative feeling that always went along with it. Now when you think of the memory, you will feel more empowered like, "I got this." Et voila! Button erased!
Again, I do apologize for the poorly edited information below.
Lisa
from EMDRIA website
I finally read this definition of EMDR from the EMDRIA website and I was very surprised to find so many typos! My apologies! Here is a layman's explanation of what EMDR is about:
EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing is a great alternative treatment for people that feel "stuck." When clients come in and say, "I know what to do to feel better but I feel too stuck to move forward," I suggest EMDR.
In the past, clinicians would ask the client to follow the therapist's finger with their eyes. This is an attempt to get the client's eyes to go back and forth like when you're in REM sleep; replicating the dream state that allows you to reprocess memories. Now we have these handy "bilaterals." These are simply little plastic pods that alternately vibrate and help the client to use both sides of their brain to reprocess these memories. When the client closes their eyes while holding the vibrating bilaterals, I can see that their eyes are going back and forth under their eyelids! Very cool stuff here. :)
Before I consider using EMDR with a client, I have to make sure that they can "self soothe" during the session if needed. EMDR can bring up all kinds of memories and emotions and if things get too intense, I need to know the client can "self regulate." I usually teach them visualization techniques that they can practice when they feel "uneasy" in between sessions. Once I am convinced that they can handle the emotionality that may ensue, we choose a memory that still has "charge." We would use a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the most upsetting feeling when thinking of the memory; we would choose a memory that still has a high number rating of upsetting feelings.
There is a protocol of questions alternating between right and left brain questions. The memory that is still giving you this angst is trapped on the right side of your brain; the EMDR will hopefully push it to the left side or intellectual side of the brain so that the client can reprocess the memory logically without all of the emotional feelings present. Alternating between left and right brain questions begins the process of getting the client to use both sides of their brain.
Then the client holds the "bilaterals" in the palms of their hands. The client simply lets their mind go from the chosen memory to wherever it leads like watching their lives in a movie or like sitting on a train watching the stations going by. The clinician will stop the bilaterals every 30 - 60 seconds to check in; the client will give a brief synopsis ie "I'm in my childhood kitchen with my father." Since the chosen memory is connected to many others, the next check in could be, "I'm now in my present kitchen with my spouse!"
As the session progresses, the trained clinician can tell when the memory is being reprocessed and the client's "story" is finally being rewritten or interpreted from a more positive point of view. At this point the therapist will endeavor to "install" or instill an empowering language and feeling to go with the originally chosen memory.
So if we are successful, you will still have the memory, but you will no longer have the negative feeling that always went along with it. Now when you think of the memory, you will feel more empowered like, "I got this." Et voila! Button erased!
Again, I do apologize for the poorly edited information below.
Lisa
from EMDRIA website
EMDR therapy
EMDR is an established method of psychotherapy, which has its origins in the psycho trauma therapy. The applications of EMDR, however, reach far beyond. EMDR is based on that every person has a natural ability to process information, by means of which he can handle stressful experiences.
The central element of EMDR therapy are guided eye movements - also called bilateral stimulation: The patient or the patient follows the fingers of the therapist with his eyes, while these moves her hand alternately to right and left. The client's eye movements are comparable to the eye movements during REM sleep - the stage of sleep in which the events of the day are processed. As an alternative to the hand movements, the therapist can use sound or touch the back of the hands of the patient.
At the beginning of EMDR treatment diagnose qualified Traumatherapeutinnnen and therapists in a detailed and thorough history, the trauma and the distressing symptoms associated with it. Thus patients carefully the trauma issue can approach, creating EMDR professionals with a lot of empathy a safe and protected environment. Now the patient can be together with their handlers inside view associated with the traumatic event images and situations and they decouple from the stressful emotions. Usually derived EMDR therapist during a session more sequences of eye movements at that last one-half to one minute. Being mindful they guide the patient through the remembered and the accompanying sensations.
A EMDR session is comparable to a train: The patients go again past the event - but from a safe distance and accompanied by their therapists or therapists. Later in the session faded incriminating memory piece by piece, and the symptoms of the trauma are resolved. Patients learn to deal with the old traumatic memories and thoughts and to develop a new, more appropriate perspective on what is happening.
Friday, June 10, 2016
Emotional Buttons from Our Past
We are all products of our childhoods and what has happened to us up until now. I think we discussed this fact during my rant on forgiveness and empathy. Anyway, our memories of past events can leave us with "buttons" that are easily pushed. For example, the child whose teacher told him he was stupid might have developed a "hot button" about his intellect. Even though he now realizes that he is an intelligent adult, when someone calls him stupid today, it presses that button that causes emotional feelings and possible defensiveness and self doubt.
So what can be done now that we realize that we are covered in these unwanted buttons? I call it the BLT. There is no bacon or anything edible involved, just more mindfulness. Sorry, I'm hungry too.
When something happens that you think shouldn't bother you as much as it does, it's probably one of these buttons from your past. If you are ready to work on navigating around these buttons more easily, try my BLT Method.
B is obviously for Button; take a step back and say, "Why is this bugging me so much?" It's not such a big deal!
L is for Lesson; once you get insight into your buttons, you can go from button to lesson pretty fast ie "what have I learned from this, what am I learning from this or is it possible that I am going to learn something from this in the future?" The fictional person in the example above may have learned he is smart and that teacher was inappropriate.
T is for Triumph (or Transition); this is the hardest part of the BLT because I am again asking you to transition to thinking something positive during an event that you don't like and don't want. I believe that we can triumph over the negativity and train our brains to go more and more quickly to a positive thought ie what you want/like, what you're grateful for, or just play the "Wouldn't it be nice if....?" game to prevent yourself from going down that slippery slope of negativity.
Some people have very deep seated buttons that may require reprocessing via EMDR. (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing). I have performed this procedure at least 50 times since my EMDR training and the success rate is astonishing. It is not just for severe trauma. I call it "The Button Eraser!"
Tomorrow we'll talk about zippers. Just kidding! I'll explain EMDR more fully in my next blog.
Be well,
Lisa
So what can be done now that we realize that we are covered in these unwanted buttons? I call it the BLT. There is no bacon or anything edible involved, just more mindfulness. Sorry, I'm hungry too.
When something happens that you think shouldn't bother you as much as it does, it's probably one of these buttons from your past. If you are ready to work on navigating around these buttons more easily, try my BLT Method.
B is obviously for Button; take a step back and say, "Why is this bugging me so much?" It's not such a big deal!
L is for Lesson; once you get insight into your buttons, you can go from button to lesson pretty fast ie "what have I learned from this, what am I learning from this or is it possible that I am going to learn something from this in the future?" The fictional person in the example above may have learned he is smart and that teacher was inappropriate.
T is for Triumph (or Transition); this is the hardest part of the BLT because I am again asking you to transition to thinking something positive during an event that you don't like and don't want. I believe that we can triumph over the negativity and train our brains to go more and more quickly to a positive thought ie what you want/like, what you're grateful for, or just play the "Wouldn't it be nice if....?" game to prevent yourself from going down that slippery slope of negativity.
Some people have very deep seated buttons that may require reprocessing via EMDR. (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing). I have performed this procedure at least 50 times since my EMDR training and the success rate is astonishing. It is not just for severe trauma. I call it "The Button Eraser!"
Tomorrow we'll talk about zippers. Just kidding! I'll explain EMDR more fully in my next blog.
Be well,
Lisa
Thursday, June 9, 2016
Gratitude
It's been a few days since I've felt inspired to write again but today I am buzzing with gratitude for no particular reason so I thought I'd share this concept with you.
My last blog revealed the secret to happiness (gratitude). I know I could have sold it for millions of dollars but I thought it would be more important to share it with humanity to make the world a better and happier place to live. lol
People who are grateful are happier; nothing fancy to say about that. It's true. The next step is thinking about what you're grateful for more often than thinking about what you don't like/want. This is challenging but doable.
Then there is The Law of Attraction theory which is the next step on this ladder to happiness. This theory explains that since we are energy and like attracts like, we want to vibrate at this higher (happier) vibration to attract more of the same energy. But how does one do this when things are happening that we don't like and we don't want?
Well, one way is to understand that "it is all good" as the saying goes; since we learn and grow the fastest from these challenging events, it's a good thing even if it's uncomfortable. So it's the way we interpret events that determines our mood.
But really, how do we vibrate at a higher level when these uncomfortable things occur in our lives? We have to train our brains to go positive in the face of negative situations. Our brains are already in the habit (appropriately so) to go negative when something happens that we don't like. The goal is to train your brain to loop the other way.
As soon as you don't feel good, take a step back and understand why you feel bad (mindfulness); then force yourself to think about something positive. Whether it's something pertaining to the present situation or not it does not matter. Using "Wouldn't it be nice if...?" and finishing the sentence without negatives will force you to think about positive hopes and dreams. I am not recommending that you ignore situations that need your attention; you must continue to "take care of business" but without ruminating about it and telling all of your friends, coworkers, family members, hair dresser, etc.
The final and most challenging step is to allow yourself to feel the way you will feel when the positive situation happens. If you allow yourself to feel awesome like when the awesome thing occurs, you vibrate at that level and attract more awesome things that match that feeling. I know this sounds like a bunch of hokey s__t but even if it is, I guarantee you will feel better while doing it.
Patterns/habits take time so don't be discouraged; this won't happen overnight. I even have my own technique that I've created to make this easier. I'll explain it in my next blog.
Wishing you awesome vibes!
Lisa
My last blog revealed the secret to happiness (gratitude). I know I could have sold it for millions of dollars but I thought it would be more important to share it with humanity to make the world a better and happier place to live. lol
People who are grateful are happier; nothing fancy to say about that. It's true. The next step is thinking about what you're grateful for more often than thinking about what you don't like/want. This is challenging but doable.
Then there is The Law of Attraction theory which is the next step on this ladder to happiness. This theory explains that since we are energy and like attracts like, we want to vibrate at this higher (happier) vibration to attract more of the same energy. But how does one do this when things are happening that we don't like and we don't want?
Well, one way is to understand that "it is all good" as the saying goes; since we learn and grow the fastest from these challenging events, it's a good thing even if it's uncomfortable. So it's the way we interpret events that determines our mood.
But really, how do we vibrate at a higher level when these uncomfortable things occur in our lives? We have to train our brains to go positive in the face of negative situations. Our brains are already in the habit (appropriately so) to go negative when something happens that we don't like. The goal is to train your brain to loop the other way.
As soon as you don't feel good, take a step back and understand why you feel bad (mindfulness); then force yourself to think about something positive. Whether it's something pertaining to the present situation or not it does not matter. Using "Wouldn't it be nice if...?" and finishing the sentence without negatives will force you to think about positive hopes and dreams. I am not recommending that you ignore situations that need your attention; you must continue to "take care of business" but without ruminating about it and telling all of your friends, coworkers, family members, hair dresser, etc.
The final and most challenging step is to allow yourself to feel the way you will feel when the positive situation happens. If you allow yourself to feel awesome like when the awesome thing occurs, you vibrate at that level and attract more awesome things that match that feeling. I know this sounds like a bunch of hokey s__t but even if it is, I guarantee you will feel better while doing it.
Patterns/habits take time so don't be discouraged; this won't happen overnight. I even have my own technique that I've created to make this easier. I'll explain it in my next blog.
Wishing you awesome vibes!
Lisa
Saturday, June 4, 2016
Happiness
Yesterday, I promised to reveal the secret to happiness so I am here to keep that promise. Many people think they will be happy when they get that job, car, house, partner, etc but happiness continues to be elusive and the way to happiness seems to repeatedly be put off down the road.
Some people think if they move and start over elsewhere that they will finally be happy. Unfortunately, wherever you go, you bring yourself. If you are not happy "here," chances are you won't be happy "there." Happiness come from inside out, not the other way around.
The way you think creates your life; the way you interpret what is happening around you will have a direct effect on your mood or happiness. I spoke of self talk yesterday in my blog on self esteem and this is a big part of influencing how you feel about your life. Some people do not even realize that they have self talk or that it is negative. Some people run and run all day and night in an attempt to avoid being alone with their thoughts so they can just collapse in exhaustion by the end of the night. This is why they are not aware of any "self talk."
Why is self talk so important and what in the world is it? It's our running dialog usually in our heads although as I get older it is often spoken aloud. lol Let's face it, if you are constantly remarking on the things that you don't want and don't like and continually criticize yourself for your imperfections, you're bound to become sad and maybe eventually depressed. Sometimes that critical voice in your head is actually very similar to a hard to please parent. It's time to forgive yourself for being flawed; after all, it is your flaws that make you human and endear you to others. No one wants to eat lunch with the perfect person at work; we can't identify with them!
So please concentrate on what you like and what you want and what you hope for; the other stuff will be there whether you ruminate on it or not. You will still have to address those negative things but it is easier when you are in a more positive head space. So how does one get there? Oh yeah, I promised to tell you the secret to happiness! It's gratitude....
I would recommend that as soon as you wake up, go through your gratitude list in your head; think of all of the things that are positive in your life and the things that you are grateful for. This is a good time to allow yourself to feel your feelings and listen to your thoughts and get to know yourself again. You can call it meditation, mindfulness, or your happiness ritual but I believe you will have a better day and life.
Peace out!
Some people think if they move and start over elsewhere that they will finally be happy. Unfortunately, wherever you go, you bring yourself. If you are not happy "here," chances are you won't be happy "there." Happiness come from inside out, not the other way around.
The way you think creates your life; the way you interpret what is happening around you will have a direct effect on your mood or happiness. I spoke of self talk yesterday in my blog on self esteem and this is a big part of influencing how you feel about your life. Some people do not even realize that they have self talk or that it is negative. Some people run and run all day and night in an attempt to avoid being alone with their thoughts so they can just collapse in exhaustion by the end of the night. This is why they are not aware of any "self talk."
Why is self talk so important and what in the world is it? It's our running dialog usually in our heads although as I get older it is often spoken aloud. lol Let's face it, if you are constantly remarking on the things that you don't want and don't like and continually criticize yourself for your imperfections, you're bound to become sad and maybe eventually depressed. Sometimes that critical voice in your head is actually very similar to a hard to please parent. It's time to forgive yourself for being flawed; after all, it is your flaws that make you human and endear you to others. No one wants to eat lunch with the perfect person at work; we can't identify with them!
So please concentrate on what you like and what you want and what you hope for; the other stuff will be there whether you ruminate on it or not. You will still have to address those negative things but it is easier when you are in a more positive head space. So how does one get there? Oh yeah, I promised to tell you the secret to happiness! It's gratitude....
I would recommend that as soon as you wake up, go through your gratitude list in your head; think of all of the things that are positive in your life and the things that you are grateful for. This is a good time to allow yourself to feel your feelings and listen to your thoughts and get to know yourself again. You can call it meditation, mindfulness, or your happiness ritual but I believe you will have a better day and life.
Peace out!
Friday, June 3, 2016
Self Esteem
The level of our self esteem is very important. We usually date at the level of our self esteem. The chances of trying something new or going after our dreams is also connected to how we feel about ourselves. The quality of our lives just may depend on how we see ourselves.
Yesterday's blog addressed abusive relationships and how they may result in the victim experiencing low self esteem. (which came first, the chicken or the egg, the abuser or the low self esteem?) If we allow others to define our self worth, we are giving away our power by depending on others to determine whether we are likable, lovable, desirable, intelligent, attractive, etc. The problem with this is that when we are alone or not in a romantic relationship, we cannot trust our own judgment to determine our own self worth. If a relationship doesn't work out, we would then blame our flaws on the break up.
So how can someone begin to work on raising self esteem once they have been knocked down over and over by a controlling partner? Here are some simple ways to begin:
1. Authenticity - Have the courage to be yourself; This is the only way you will find out who likes you for you. If you have to pretend around someone hoping they'll like you, don't waste your time; it's exhausting and you'll never find out who your true friends are.
2. Judgment - Yes we are back to this again. Remember, once you stop judging, you probably won't fear judgment or judge yourself harshly anymore.This makes #1 easier too. Then try to limit your time with negative, critical and gossipy people.
3. Self Talk - We must be aware of our self talk. If we constantly berate ourselves for not being perfect, we cannot work on our self esteem. We must learn how to love ourselves "warts and all" so to speak. It's time to speak to ourselves as we would to a child or someone we love. Feel free to call it your "inner child" if it helps.
4. Helping Others - When we help others, it makes us feel good about ourselves which in turn helps us to raise our self esteem. Let others help you too so that they may have the same opportunity to feel good about themselves.
So get out there and do the things you do well, be authentic stick to positive people and try some random acts of kindness. When your self esteem grows,you will be ready to blossom!
Tomorrow I will disclose the Secret to Happiness!!!
Thursday, June 2, 2016
What is Abuse?
Yesterday's blog left off on the difficulty of being in an abusive relationship. But how does one end up in this kind of situation? Why would someone be attracted to and then stay with an abusive partner? There are many reasons but here are some that I have noticed.
When someone comes from an abusive household ie an abusive father, experiences an abusive boyfriend and then ends up with an abusive partner/spouse, most people scratch their heads. Why would someone make those choices? Well, believe it or not, although it doesn't feel pleasant, it feels "familiar." If you are raised with drama and the ones that supposedly love you exhibit these behaviors, a child can get a skewed idea of what love looks/sounds/feels like; then as an adult, drama feels more like home than peace and quiet. Abusive partners speak/act the way Daddy spoke/act so this must be love. Not everyone comes away with that message but I have seen it happen before. (not all perpetrators are male)
Some people don't realize that you can be in an abusive relationship without ever being hit or hurt physically. Emotional abuse often is more painful. The abuser usually alienates any of your family/friends/support system to make it easier to "brainwash" you and tries to control you by calling all day to see where you are and calling it love. The daily message is usually, "You're alone, I'm the only one you have, I'm the only one that could love/want you, I wouldn't hurt you if you didn't act the way you do (or if I didn't love you so much), You're ugly, stupid, crazy, undesirable, no one likes you and you couldn't make it without me, You're a bad mother; they'll take your children if you leave, If you leave I will find you and kill you, If you find someone else I will kill them, You can't trust others, they will lie and hurt you, etc."
I didn't mean for this to be a long blog but the only way out of a relationship like this is building up your self esteem which is almost as challenging in this situation as later forgiving the people that mistreated you all of those years. I guess tomorrow's blog will be on improving your self esteem!
The only thing that is consistent is change; remember, whatever hardships you are now experiencing, "this too shall pass."
Namaste
When someone comes from an abusive household ie an abusive father, experiences an abusive boyfriend and then ends up with an abusive partner/spouse, most people scratch their heads. Why would someone make those choices? Well, believe it or not, although it doesn't feel pleasant, it feels "familiar." If you are raised with drama and the ones that supposedly love you exhibit these behaviors, a child can get a skewed idea of what love looks/sounds/feels like; then as an adult, drama feels more like home than peace and quiet. Abusive partners speak/act the way Daddy spoke/act so this must be love. Not everyone comes away with that message but I have seen it happen before. (not all perpetrators are male)
Some people don't realize that you can be in an abusive relationship without ever being hit or hurt physically. Emotional abuse often is more painful. The abuser usually alienates any of your family/friends/support system to make it easier to "brainwash" you and tries to control you by calling all day to see where you are and calling it love. The daily message is usually, "You're alone, I'm the only one you have, I'm the only one that could love/want you, I wouldn't hurt you if you didn't act the way you do (or if I didn't love you so much), You're ugly, stupid, crazy, undesirable, no one likes you and you couldn't make it without me, You're a bad mother; they'll take your children if you leave, If you leave I will find you and kill you, If you find someone else I will kill them, You can't trust others, they will lie and hurt you, etc."
I didn't mean for this to be a long blog but the only way out of a relationship like this is building up your self esteem which is almost as challenging in this situation as later forgiving the people that mistreated you all of those years. I guess tomorrow's blog will be on improving your self esteem!
The only thing that is consistent is change; remember, whatever hardships you are now experiencing, "this too shall pass."
Namaste
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
Forgiveness
Well, if you read my blog from yesterday, you already know that grudge holding is "poisonous" to your health. I know some of you may say that you would rather drink poison than to forgive the perpetrator of past abuse or pain. Perhaps we need to clarify what forgiveness means.
Forgiveness does not mean that you condone what the person did; you are not saying that it was alright and you certainly would not allow them to do it to you again. Forgiveness is for You not Them! You don't even have to tell them that you are forgiving them; some of them may already be deceased by now. It is very beneficial for your health and well being to be able to move forward after abusive or "unforgivable" treatment. But how is this done? ("Easier said than done")
This is where judgment comes back into play; remember there is a fine line between judgment and acknowledging what you don't like and it is empathy. This is the hardest time to practice this zen like attitude and it does take practice but it will be worth it in the end. Chances are that you have some insight into why the person that "did you wrong" is the way they are; just as we are the way we are because of everything that has happened to us so far. This is not an excuse, only a reason; we are all human and we are all responding to this life within our own capabilities.
We are all products of our childhoods and the experiences we have had thus far. When you can finally forgive and move forward, you will finally be free. Until then, you continue to give your power to the person that hurt you. The ultimate action is to send them healing vibes and avoid them if you can. If you are feeling "trapped" in an abusive relationship, that is another whole blog. Maybe tomorrow.
Sending love and light to all.
Forgiveness does not mean that you condone what the person did; you are not saying that it was alright and you certainly would not allow them to do it to you again. Forgiveness is for You not Them! You don't even have to tell them that you are forgiving them; some of them may already be deceased by now. It is very beneficial for your health and well being to be able to move forward after abusive or "unforgivable" treatment. But how is this done? ("Easier said than done")
This is where judgment comes back into play; remember there is a fine line between judgment and acknowledging what you don't like and it is empathy. This is the hardest time to practice this zen like attitude and it does take practice but it will be worth it in the end. Chances are that you have some insight into why the person that "did you wrong" is the way they are; just as we are the way we are because of everything that has happened to us so far. This is not an excuse, only a reason; we are all human and we are all responding to this life within our own capabilities.
We are all products of our childhoods and the experiences we have had thus far. When you can finally forgive and move forward, you will finally be free. Until then, you continue to give your power to the person that hurt you. The ultimate action is to send them healing vibes and avoid them if you can. If you are feeling "trapped" in an abusive relationship, that is another whole blog. Maybe tomorrow.
Sending love and light to all.
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