What is Abuse?

Yesterday's blog left off on the difficulty of being in an abusive relationship.  But how does one end up in this kind of situation?  Why would someone be attracted to and then stay with an abusive partner?  There are many reasons but here are some that I have noticed.

When someone comes from an abusive household ie an abusive father, experiences an abusive boyfriend and then ends up with an abusive partner/spouse, most people scratch their heads. Why would someone make those choices?  Well, believe it or not, although it doesn't feel pleasant, it feels "familiar."  If you are raised with drama and the ones that supposedly love you exhibit these behaviors, a child can get a skewed idea of what love looks/sounds/feels like; then as an adult, drama feels more like home than peace and quiet.  Abusive partners speak/act the way Daddy spoke/act so this must be love.  Not everyone comes away with that message but I have seen it happen before. (not all perpetrators are male)

Some people don't realize that you can be in an abusive relationship without ever being hit or hurt physically.  Emotional abuse often is more painful.  The abuser usually alienates any of your family/friends/support system to make it easier to "brainwash" you and tries to control you by calling all day to see where you are and calling it love.  The daily message is usually, "You're alone, I'm the only one you have, I'm the only one that could love/want you, I wouldn't hurt you if you didn't act the way you do (or if I didn't love you so much), You're ugly, stupid, crazy, undesirable, no one likes you and you couldn't make it without me, You're a bad mother; they'll take your children if you leave, If you leave I will find you and kill you, If you find someone else I will kill them, You can't trust others, they will lie and hurt you, etc."

I didn't mean for this to be a long blog but the only way out of a relationship like this is building up your self esteem which is almost as challenging in this situation as later forgiving the people that mistreated you all of those years. I guess tomorrow's blog will be on improving your self esteem!

The only thing that is consistent is change; remember, whatever hardships you are now experiencing, "this too shall pass."

Namaste