INTENTION MATTERS; Is it Your "Gut" Feeling or a "Trauma Response?"

By Lisa Tetreault, LMHC

As I've discussed in a previous blog we all have buttons from our childhoods.  If we were disrespected or bullied, we may automatically interpret innocent interactions as malicious.  When our buttons are pushed, the amygdala gets going which shuts down our prefrontal cortex and inhibits our access to our critical thinking skills.  So what can be done?  It is our responsibility to catch these triggers as soon as possible and shut down the interaction to allow for self soothing and a calm assessment of what went down.  

This is where the all important "intention" comes into play.  If someone who normally has your best interest at heart suddenly appears to be coming across as hurtful, this could be a case of misunderstanding; this is when inquiring re their intention could clear things up,  The challenge is this:  If you mistake your trauma response for your gut feelings, you may have difficulty making an objective assessment.  EFT Tapping can soothe the amygdala to make this possible.  Using coping strategies to self soothe can save you from accusing a trusted friend or family member of trying to hurt you.  Once you are calm and introspective, you can trust your judgment again.  

Does it make sense that someone who continually has your back all of a sudden has ill will against you?  The answer is you may have misinterpreted their intention.  There is, of course, a difference between a mean joke and playful teasing but it's more difficult to assess when you're triggered.  Hang up the phone or walk away from the interaction and take that time/space to be honest with yourself.  Your inner guidance will show you the way.

For more information on EFT Tapping, follow my YouTube channel at www.youtube.com/@lisa33428.

Happy Tapping!

 "I Am Loved and Respected."

Years ago, on my way to a celebratory event, I noticed my discomfort.  I had been looking forward to seeing many out of state family members and of course great food and conversation.  I realized that my discomfort was concerning a particular distant family member that would be there. I asked myself why I felt this way and it came to me; I felt repeatedly disrespected by him. Whenever we'd meet, he would get in my space, mess up my hair (I'm much older than him and higher in the hierarchy of our family) and speak in an ignorant, racist manner that he knew I distain.  I remembered a Law of Attraction video about setting your intentions before you go somewhere so I began reciting this affirmation in the car, "I am loved and respected," over and over.  When I arrived at the event, he was the first to greet me and guess what he said.  "It's so nice to see you; you're so loved and respected."  He said it again when he invited his son to greet me.  I thought, "I've got the power!"  I've been practicing the Law of Attraction ever since.

So what is bringing up this old memory today?  The Barbie Movie!  Spoiler Alert if you haven't seen it but it's about "Barbie Land" where Barbie is "loved and respected."  She knows nothing else since all the "Barbies" are successful, brilliant, beautiful and happy.  When she ventures out to the "Real World," she finds out that women hate her since they are not feeling loved and respected in the real world where men still rule, make more money, have more power and think they can control, molest, abuse and disrespect women at will. In my feminist opinion, centuries ago, ever since Man realized how superior women are, they have dedicated themselves to keeping it a secret from the world by continually pushing the narrative of the "Little Woman."  Barbie was happier in her "Barbie Land" bubble.  I can understand why.  

So now I live in a "Lisa Land" bubble.  Ever since the Pandemic, I've been blissfully working from home seeing counseling patients via video.  I feel rewarded, loved and respected and happy here.  I have most things delivered and even though the Pandemic has become an endemic, I still choose to limit my time "out among them." (a reference to the movie, "Witness.") lol

I do leave "Lisa Land" periodically and have mostly positive interactions in "The Real World," but when I do experience disrespectful men who exhibit passive aggressive behavior and gaslighting language, I use healthy boundaries and make it clear that it is not OK.  Whether they take responsibility for their behavior or not, I remind myself of a Maya Angelou quote:  "When people show you who they are, believe them."

"When women thrive, all society benefits."  

       -Kofi Annan, former Secretary-General of the UN

 Can Abusive Treatment Become Normalized?

In the past, I have felt confused when I see or hear of people that allow themselves to be in a relationship where they are disrespected and abused on a daily basis.  I understand that often times some get into situations in which they feel helpless to change, especially if this relationship is connected to their financial situation or basic needs ie room and board.  This could be a parent, spouse or employer that seems to have financial power over you.

But there are more reasons to relinquish power besides a fear of financial insecurity.  I'm sure we've all seen or heard of people who begin life in an abusive household, then date someone abusive and end up with an abusive spouse.  For those that don't understand how this can happen I'm going to explore some other situations when it can.

Of course, everything begins in childhood because one can't help but model after their parents' behaviors. If the marital behavior witnessed is disrespectful and abusive, one tends to file that in the subconscious for later relationships in life.  This is what one expects that an intimate partnership will look like.  

Another part of this scenario is that due to the tumult, unhappiness, anger and dissatisfaction of these parents, the children often receive the brunt of this ie neglect, emotional and/or physical abuse, abandonment feelings when one parent moves out and low self worth.  If these parents are not able to give unconditional love because of their own unhealthy emotional and mental status, a child can feel unlovable or not good enough to deserve love ie "If my own parents don't stay, comfort me or love me unconditionally, I must be less than what is necessary to receive those things.

This is how a child grows up to become the perfect adult victim of an abuser.  This type of early experience often results in low self worth, desperation and people pleasing ie settling for an unsuitable partner due to the limiting belief that one is lucky to get anyone to love the unlovable. Unfortunately, the abuser is choosing this victim because of this limiting belief knowing they can manipulate and build on it ie "No one else will want you and you will be all alone if you leave." They also realize that they must alienate anyone that may shine a light on the true nature of the abuser so they systematically demonize these friends/relatives one by one until their victim is solely dependent on their abuser.

There is another reason why I feel these relationships, as painful as they are, can be hard to leave.  Besides the limiting belief that this must be love since my parents treated me this way, there is the subconscious expectation that once the abuse is over, the apologies, make up behavior and forgiveness will feel good.  The forgiveness is for the victim since the abuser will make the case that they wouldn't have to hurt their victim if they behaved better.  This is called "gaslighting."

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, please know there is always a way out.  Don't give up hope. Call Women in Distress of Broward County, FL Hotline at 954-761-1133 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. Print this information out and keep it in your purse to share or in case of emergency.

"Can We Still Be Friends?"

What is a good friend? I know that a good friend is there for you when you need them.  They are happy no matter where you go or what you do together; you share common interests and values, and are kind and encouraging to each other.  You accept each other for your authentic selves.  You share your lives and make each other laugh. 

How am I doing so far?  Am I hitting most of the "friend" points?  What about sharing thoughts, opinions, feelings and experiences?  So far I'm on board; but is it necessary to continually share all of our complaints, fears, negative experiences and judgments with each other as well?  This is where I begin to back off. 

I guess as long as there is a healthy balance of negative vs positive topics discussed, it could be beneficial and I am certainly willing to lend an ear to a friend that needs to vent or is going through a challenging time.  But what if a friend only tells you the sad stories, the negative parts of their lives, their complaints and judgments of people in their world and the fearful "what ifs" of their nightmares?  What if their lives seem to consist of one unwanted, negative experience after another? 

What about the Law of Attraction?  If we attract what we focus on, do we attract more of the negative events that a pessimistic friend shares?  What about the health problems that are sure to follow someone with this negative mindset?  I know that not everyone is conscious of the importance of being mindful and putting things into perspective but it can be challenging for a mindful friend to keep a positive and grateful vibe around a negative, judgmental friend. 

I guess with effort, one can work on enveloping themselves in a protective shield from unwanted energy.  But once you figure out how to stay in the Vortex as much as possible, you get to really like that feeling of happiness and joy and become protective of it.  You realize who and what detracts from that feeling and tend to slowly but surely avoid them more and more.  Is this selfishness or self care?  Is it considered abandonment or self preservation?

So again, my question remains, "What is a good friend?"

Do You Want Your Partner to Change? (or do you want a new partner?)

Sometimes I get a male client that comes to therapy because his wife says he needs to change.  These are usually well meaning husbands that are trying to change but still cannot please their wives no matter how they try. They feel like they come up short despite their efforts.  Their wives continually remark on their deficits and these men eventually end up taking all the blame for any problems in the marriage.  These men are "sent" to therapy when it may be the wives that need it. Maybe these wives don't want to admit that there is nothing their man can do to please them; maybe they want a different man.

Usually we are attracted to someone that reminds us of a parent that we still have issues with.  Then as time goes by we question the reason we "married our father/mother!"  There are always things about the person you live with that will bug you; some behaviors may be changeable with good communication and effort.  But what if these women are asking their spouses to be someone else? This is reminding me of my previous blog on infidelity.

Maybe they don't want to admit that the behaviors and attributes that they are demanding not only don't come naturally but may be impossible for their husband to sustain.  Is it fair to ask your spouse to be someone else when he was accepted for his authentic self for years?  Now it's just not good enough and the men are puzzled.  Have these women realized that they married the wrong partner but because of finances, children, and/or stability they don't want to admit it?  If they are sending their spouses to individual therapy and not accompanying them to couples counseling, are they taking any responsibility for their own part in this marital dance?

So ladies, I guess what I'm trying to say is that no one's perfect; weigh the pro's and con's of your husband's attributes and behaviors and appreciate and concentrate on the positives.  Then decide what needs are and are not being met in the marriage and choose your deal breakers.  It's really not fair to convince your mate that everything is his fault and that his authentic self is not good enough for you anymore.  This can result in low self esteem which can result in losing respect for him and his contemplating getting his ego stroked elsewhere.  Why not just let him go and find someone that will think his authentic self is awesome.  Don't we all deserve to be with someone who loves us for who we really are?

Once a Cheater Always a Cheater?

In some cultures/countries, the moral code about monogamy is more lax than in the U.S.  There are also people we may call "players" who get a thrill from deceiving a partner while putting another "notch on their belt" so to speak. There are also those that are selfish, narcissistic and will do whatever pleases them without a conscience even if it hurts others.  Self esteem may play a part in these situations but I am not addressing these examples.

I would like to discuss a topic that arises from time to time with a female client's male counterpart.
They have a man in their life that adores them, can't do enough for them and continually confesses love for them and then is caught cheating on them.  This seems to happen in new relationships as well as long lasting marriages.  When the couple inevitably comes to couples counseling, the wife will ask, "why," and the husband usually says that he doesn't know why.  He explains that he means what he says when he says it ie "I love you. I want to spend my life with you.  There is no one else on this planet for me; just you."

How can this be?  They profess their love and within minutes they're calling their mistress to make a date for the weekend.  This is the most puzzling form of ambivalence I've ever seen; changing their minds from one minute to the next and then making horribly bad decisions that can disrupt the lives of everyone that is involved ie the spouse, the kids, the mistress' spouse if applicable and of course, the cheater who may lose his home, his wife and his family life.

So, what would cause someone to oscillate back and forth like this and take such a big risk? Initially, it may seem like a selfishness ie wanting his cake and wanting to eat it as well and maybe, this is part of the equation.  But what if this isn't as cut and dry as "I want what I want when I want it?"

Some people act out of fear instead of love ie fear of judgment, fear of aging, and/or fear of not deserving happiness to name a few.  What if some of these scenarios are driven by low self esteem, feelings of unworthiness and feelings of not deserving what they have?  Could this also be a form of self sabotage?   If a spouse or partner has low self esteem, they may feel that they cannot feel good about themselves unless they prove they are attractive to another member of the opposite sex.  (This is very similar to my last blog on low self esteem in women, "If a tree falls...")

As anyone who has read my blogs on Self Esteem knows, self love comes from inside and trying to prove worthiness with external things and people is fruitless.  So this spouse/partner seeks his self esteem with an affair and then feels worse about himself for acting so deceitfully.  Am I making excuses for these lost souls?  No way!  I'm just saying that there may be more than one reason for this kind of behavior.

Summation:  Communication is one of the most important pieces of a successful relationship.  If a partner is feeling less than, it may be time to ask for help from a spouse, therapist, or someone that can assist with a much needed shift in thinking.  I know it's hard not to judge in these situations but perhaps it would be more beneficial to try.  Remember, we are talking about those that are willing to get help and that are trying to change; those that feel empathy and remorse due to the pain and suffering they've caused. Unfortunately, this may not guarantee that it won't happen again.

Do I think a second chance is warranted?  No one can decide that for someone else.  Only you know what your "deal breakers" are.  I recommend you "go with your gut."

If a Tree Falls......?

Most of us have heard the saying, "If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?"  I'm thinking yes.  lol  Which leads me to my new blog; if a woman doesn't have a man telling her that she's desirable, lovable, and/or attractive, can she still be those things?

I know I haven't written in a while, but I could not ignore how many female clients came in this week with this topic on their minds.  So many women continue to give away their power by allowing others, especially men, to define their self worth.  Many women feel that if they are not "coupled" or in a relationship with a man, they are less than and/or unlovable; they have not yet learned to be happy and love and value themselves without having a man's attention.

This can be quite damaging to their self esteem especially if and when a man puts them down, leaves, or things don't work out between them.  They will tend to blame themselves and carry the limiting belief that no one else will have them thus making desperate decisions the next time any man pays them attention.  Instead of working on their self esteem and waiting for a healthy partnership, they jump at the first chance to couple again which more times than not ends up very similar to their past unsatisfying relationships.

It's almost like having a sign on your forehead or a sonar homing device attached to your head; the men that are looking for someone easily manipulated hone in on women like this hence another pattern of their self esteem being held hostage by this new partner.  You would think that these men all read the same book because they all seem to do the same thing ie they find a woman and begin their assessment.

First they may make some jokes about the woman's appearance or give "constructive" criticism about how they could look better.  If their victim accepts this veiled emotional abuse they go in for the kill; they tell her they love her right away, tell her how beautiful she is continuously and needs to know where she is at all times in the guise of caring so much about her.  Talks about their future although they just met and puts down her friends/family if he can't fool them with his charm.

Once he alienates most of her friends and family, he has her undivided attention and that's when the brainwashing begins.  This usually manifests in anger, put downs, punishments like the silent treatment and sometimes physical abuse; next come the apologies and the rationale that he wouldn't do those mean things if she behaved differently ie gas lighting and making it her fault.  Eventually, the woman feels inferior and that she cannot trust her own judgment anymore.  Not a pretty picture.

Well, I didn't know I was going to end up writing about this type of scenario but maybe it will motivate some women to work on their self esteem to avoid this type of relationship.  I would recommend reading anything by Louise Hay especially "You Can Heal Your Life" and listen to her affirmations on YouTube.  A good therapist can also help to improve self esteem and address any limiting beliefs that linger.  EMDR can also address the more deep seated "buttons" that have resulted from relationships like these.

Learn to love yourself and acknowledge your own awesomeness!

Namaste,

Lisa