Selfishness VS Selflessness; When Kindness Turns Into People Pleasing and Co-Dependent Behavior

"You don't have to light yourself on fire to keep others warm!"

Through synchronicity with my clients, similar themes usually arise each week.  This week it was the desire to please others.  Of course, it's nice to want to please others and/or do nice things for people; that really isn't what I'm talking about.  I think when we lose a sense of ourselves and our desires, we get into trouble.  Making other people's moods more important than our own is codependent behavior. When we have limiting beliefs that we are not deserving and become selfless, people lose respect and sometimes take advantage.

First of all, unless we are speaking of a dependent child, we are not responsible for others' happiness; each of us has a specific job in life and it is learning how to make ourselves happy and hopefully finding one's life's purpose.  So why do so many people feel the need to ignore their wants/dreams to appease someone else?

Sometimes it's the message you got growing up ie "selfishness is evil", "your parents are always right," "you are not allowed to disappoint others especially your parents", and "just suck it up."

First of all, some selfishness can be a good thing; if you do not choose yourself first, you will stuff your feelings and say yes when you mean no.  This can and will affect your mental and physical health and when you're not healthy, you cannot help anyone.

If you disappoint someone, it is up to them to learn how to cope with disappointment; it's their stuff and we all need to learn this for a happy life.  The hardest one for many is disappointing your parents. When growing up you are constantly told to respect them and take their word as gospel; it feels very uncomfortable when you become an adult and this shift in perspective happens.

I would recommend to come from love instead of ego when trying this.  Just advise these hopefully well meaning people, "Don't worry; I got this," or "I have to say no this time," and you will find a sense of relief to act as your authentic self and follow your own guidance/bliss/judgment.

The answer is inside of you.  Sit quietly long enough and you will hear it.

Lisa