Do You Want Your Partner to Change? (or do you want a new partner?)

Sometimes I get a male client that comes to therapy because his wife says he needs to change.  These are usually well meaning husbands that are trying to change but still cannot please their wives no matter how they try. They feel like they come up short despite their efforts.  Their wives continually remark on their deficits and these men eventually end up taking all the blame for any problems in the marriage.  These men are "sent" to therapy when it may be the wives that need it. Maybe these wives don't want to admit that there is nothing their man can do to please them; maybe they want a different man.

Usually we are attracted to someone that reminds us of a parent that we still have issues with.  Then as time goes by we question the reason we "married our father/mother!"  There are always things about the person you live with that will bug you; some behaviors may be changeable with good communication and effort.  But what if these women are asking their spouses to be someone else? This is reminding me of my previous blog on infidelity.

Maybe they don't want to admit that the behaviors and attributes that they are demanding not only don't come naturally but may be impossible for their husband to sustain.  Is it fair to ask your spouse to be someone else when he was accepted for his authentic self for years?  Now it's just not good enough and the men are puzzled.  Have these women realized that they married the wrong partner but because of finances, children, and/or stability they don't want to admit it?  If they are sending their spouses to individual therapy and not accompanying them to couples counseling, are they taking any responsibility for their own part in this marital dance?

So ladies, I guess what I'm trying to say is that no one's perfect; weigh the pro's and con's of your husband's attributes and behaviors and appreciate and concentrate on the positives.  Then decide what needs are and are not being met in the marriage and choose your deal breakers.  It's really not fair to convince your mate that everything is his fault and that his authentic self is not good enough for you anymore.  This can result in low self esteem which can result in losing respect for him and his contemplating getting his ego stroked elsewhere.  Why not just let him go and find someone that will think his authentic self is awesome.  Don't we all deserve to be with someone who loves us for who we really are?

Once a Cheater Always a Cheater?

In some cultures/countries, the moral code about monogamy is more lax than in the U.S.  There are also people we may call "players" who get a thrill from deceiving a partner while putting another "notch on their belt" so to speak. There are also those that are selfish, narcissistic and will do whatever pleases them without a conscience even if it hurts others.  Self esteem may play a part in these situations but I am not addressing these examples.

I would like to discuss a topic that arises from time to time with a female client's male counterpart.
They have a man in their life that adores them, can't do enough for them and continually confesses love for them and then is caught cheating on them.  This seems to happen in new relationships as well as long lasting marriages.  When the couple inevitably comes to couples counseling, the wife will ask, "why," and the husband usually says that he doesn't know why.  He explains that he means what he says when he says it ie "I love you. I want to spend my life with you.  There is no one else on this planet for me; just you."

How can this be?  They profess their love and within minutes they're calling their mistress to make a date for the weekend.  This is the most puzzling form of ambivalence I've ever seen; changing their minds from one minute to the next and then making horribly bad decisions that can disrupt the lives of everyone that is involved ie the spouse, the kids, the mistress' spouse if applicable and of course, the cheater who may lose his home, his wife and his family life.

So, what would cause someone to oscillate back and forth like this and take such a big risk? Initially, it may seem like a selfishness ie wanting his cake and wanting to eat it as well and maybe, this is part of the equation.  But what if this isn't as cut and dry as "I want what I want when I want it?"

Some people act out of fear instead of love ie fear of judgment, fear of aging, and/or fear of not deserving happiness to name a few.  What if some of these scenarios are driven by low self esteem, feelings of unworthiness and feelings of not deserving what they have?  Could this also be a form of self sabotage?   If a spouse or partner has low self esteem, they may feel that they cannot feel good about themselves unless they prove they are attractive to another member of the opposite sex.  (This is very similar to my last blog on low self esteem in women, "If a tree falls...")

As anyone who has read my blogs on Self Esteem knows, self love comes from inside and trying to prove worthiness with external things and people is fruitless.  So this spouse/partner seeks his self esteem with an affair and then feels worse about himself for acting so deceitfully.  Am I making excuses for these lost souls?  No way!  I'm just saying that there may be more than one reason for this kind of behavior.

Summation:  Communication is one of the most important pieces of a successful relationship.  If a partner is feeling less than, it may be time to ask for help from a spouse, therapist, or someone that can assist with a much needed shift in thinking.  I know it's hard not to judge in these situations but perhaps it would be more beneficial to try.  Remember, we are talking about those that are willing to get help and that are trying to change; those that feel empathy and remorse due to the pain and suffering they've caused. Unfortunately, this may not guarantee that it won't happen again.

Do I think a second chance is warranted?  No one can decide that for someone else.  Only you know what your "deal breakers" are.  I recommend you "go with your gut."

If a Tree Falls......?

Most of us have heard the saying, "If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?"  I'm thinking yes.  lol  Which leads me to my new blog; if a woman doesn't have a man telling her that she's desirable, lovable, and/or attractive, can she still be those things?

I know I haven't written in a while, but I could not ignore how many female clients came in this week with this topic on their minds.  So many women continue to give away their power by allowing others, especially men, to define their self worth.  Many women feel that if they are not "coupled" or in a relationship with a man, they are less than and/or unlovable; they have not yet learned to be happy and love and value themselves without having a man's attention.

This can be quite damaging to their self esteem especially if and when a man puts them down, leaves, or things don't work out between them.  They will tend to blame themselves and carry the limiting belief that no one else will have them thus making desperate decisions the next time any man pays them attention.  Instead of working on their self esteem and waiting for a healthy partnership, they jump at the first chance to couple again which more times than not ends up very similar to their past unsatisfying relationships.

It's almost like having a sign on your forehead or a sonar homing device attached to your head; the men that are looking for someone easily manipulated hone in on women like this hence another pattern of their self esteem being held hostage by this new partner.  You would think that these men all read the same book because they all seem to do the same thing ie they find a woman and begin their assessment.

First they may make some jokes about the woman's appearance or give "constructive" criticism about how they could look better.  If their victim accepts this veiled emotional abuse they go in for the kill; they tell her they love her right away, tell her how beautiful she is continuously and needs to know where she is at all times in the guise of caring so much about her.  Talks about their future although they just met and puts down her friends/family if he can't fool them with his charm.

Once he alienates most of her friends and family, he has her undivided attention and that's when the brainwashing begins.  This usually manifests in anger, put downs, punishments like the silent treatment and sometimes physical abuse; next come the apologies and the rationale that he wouldn't do those mean things if she behaved differently ie gas lighting and making it her fault.  Eventually, the woman feels inferior and that she cannot trust her own judgment anymore.  Not a pretty picture.

Well, I didn't know I was going to end up writing about this type of scenario but maybe it will motivate some women to work on their self esteem to avoid this type of relationship.  I would recommend reading anything by Louise Hay especially "You Can Heal Your Life" and listen to her affirmations on YouTube.  A good therapist can also help to improve self esteem and address any limiting beliefs that linger.  EMDR can also address the more deep seated "buttons" that have resulted from relationships like these.

Learn to love yourself and acknowledge your own awesomeness!

Namaste,

Lisa

ARE YOU FRUSTRATED WITH THE LAW OF ATTRACTION?

I've been listening to Abraham -Hicks a lot lately and at times I get frustrated with their recommendations for "Law of Attraction."  They intimate that the usual reactions to unwanted life situations are "conditional" life responses and that we are more in alignment when we react in an "unconditional," mindful way.  My interpretation of this is that when upsetting things happen, we are not supposed to get upset.  This seems like a pretty tall order for most human beings.  This is why positive thinking gets such a bad reputation.  It sounds more like denial and/or stuffing feelings which is not helpful.  It doesn't seem doable, logical or natural.

Well, it is not natural.  Most of us have not been taught to be so mindful that we can immediately go to our "Zen" place when life becomes challenging.  I think they need to give us permission to feel bad or temporarily freak out before taking our mindful step back.  For example, when tragedy strikes are we expected to react like a robot?  Are we discouraged from talking about unwanted things in a therapy session or grieving our losses when they occur?  Even Louise Hay understood the need for tapping on unwanted situations/feelings stating, "If you're cleaning the house, you need to see where the dirt is!"

It is therapeutic to process unwanted life experiences and respond to tragedy with appropriate sadness.  Sometimes, no matter what our spiritual beliefs are on death/dying, we miss the physical form of our deceased loved ones and feel sadness around their loss.  So, the question is "Can we focus on "contrast" or things we don't want/like without attracting more of the same?"  I'm guessing that there needs to be a happy medium.

I don't know what the appropriate time frame is since everyone grieves/responds to events differently and I would not "rate" anyone's progress on moving forward from an event.  As those of us who have read Kubler-Ross know, the steps of bereavement do not go in any sequential order; some days we go forward and sometimes we go back a bit.  It is not helpful to put guilt on mourners on top of their feelings of grief.

So my conclusion is this:  I understand that we are spiritual beings having a physical experience, but sometimes it takes a bit longer to get to a place of, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Feeling bad about feeling bad is not beneficial; knowing how to "self-soothe" and trying to see a silver lining is.  Knowing how to reach out for help when needed and attempting to move into a more positive mind space eventually will begin the healing.  Being able to put things into perspective and not "sweating the small stuff," decreasing judgment of yourself and others and having gratitude will ultimately create a better quality of life.  This is called "allowing" more of what you want and like.

Wishing you an abundance of days in the vortex, in alignment and in the "receiving mode."

Lisa

RE-WRITE YOUR STORY!

I haven't written in a while but again, a common theme has arisen among my clients.  I've written about re-framing and concentrating on positives, but this takes it one step further.  The way you tell your "story" or the way you look at and describe your past, can make a big difference in the way you see yourself and your life in the present.  Many things happen to us in life that we would not choose for ourselves.  If we continuously ruminate about these unfortunate events and wear them like a "badge of honor, we can become "victimized" by them.

Re-writing your story is a very helpful tool to enable you to move forward; when telling someone about your unwanted past experiences, don't forget to include what you learned from the events and why your life is better for them.  The proverbial "silver lining" is inevitable.  As time goes by, you will realize that everything always works out.  I know this sounds kind of "Pollyanna-ish" but doesn't it? After the dust settles, life goes on and hopefully you will get past it and understand why it had to happen. Of course, therapy/counseling can facilitate this process.

I don't mean to sound callous for believe me, I have had my own unwanted past experiences including great loss and heartache.  But I can now see how it all has brought me to where I am today. If I continued to tell my sad story over and over again and lived in the past, I wouldn't have been able to move forward and pursue my life's purpose.

This goes for present scenarios as well; the way we interpret events will determine the quality of our lives and maybe steer its path!  If we can be mindful of what's happening and take a moment to take a step back long enough to to put things into perspective, it can be an "easier pill to swallow." By avoiding the victim role, we can retain hope for the future instead of the self fulfilling prophecy for more "bad luck."

These happenings that we don't like or want are meant as contrast; by experiencing them, we find out what it is that we do like and want, and send out our "rockets of desire" in an attempt to attract more positive situations.  The more we can maintain that "high flying" feeling of what we want, the easier it will be to manifest our dreams.

So please give yourselves permission to dream big and may all of your wishes come true.  I'm sending you safe and dry vibes during Hurricane Matthew.  Be well.  :)

Is It Better to Have Loved and Lost Than Not to Love at All?

We've all experienced the proverbial broken heart.  Whether in adolescence or adulthood, we all remember "the one that got away," the one that didn't love us as much as we loved them, the one that made us feel "abandoned."  The pain of a first or second or third or any breakup almost feels like a stab to the heart; it's hard to eat, sleep and/or enjoy life again. It stings and can create a "hot button." It's hard to believe that love could ever come again then lo and behold, a new perfect lover appears!

If love is so painful, how do we risk the vulnerability of being hurt again?  How do we forget the past and jump in all over again?  Here is one "how" scenario:  we love, we lose that love, we swear never to love again, we find a new love interest, we convince ourselves that this time is different and here we go again.  We are able to rationalize that this time we won't need our bullet proof vests but deep down inside, we regret taking them off.

Another question could be "why?"  Why would we risk the chance of feeling the pain of loss again?
Well, there are those that have great difficulty being on their own without a "mate."  If someone is not happy with their own company and does not know how to make themselves happy, there may be a desperate feeling to "couple" again.  Some people do not feel lovable, desirable or attractive unless they have a significant other to tell them they are lovable, desirable and attractive; this is a dangerous premise as we've discussed in previous blog entries on self esteem.  Allowing others to define your self worth creates a very dangerous "why" scenario and may result in a badly treated partner staying in a very dissatisfying relationship. Some are just "addicted to love" or that rush you get with someone new.  Others may really want to create a family and understand the rewards of sharing one's life with a partner and the joy of raising children.

Often we acquire life's little "buttons" over the years and the "fear of abandonment" button is a huge one. So how do humans continue to go forth and propagate? What is the best mindset to navigate this "sea of love?"  My advice as a clinician would be to incorporate healthy boundaries ie get to know your prospective partner slowly before removing the "vest" completely.  Also, you may want to look at any similarities between past unsuccessful relationships and the type of partner you are choosing.  I would also recommend being able to be on your own in between relationships and work on your self esteem before jumping into those "waters" again.

We all deserve love and respect.  Sometimes we may remove our life vests prematurely but through the pain of "contrast" and loss we learn what we like, want and hope for. Remember, you may have to cut the sharks loose if they accidentally get caught in your net. If someone doesn't value you for you, they are not a true match; don't waste your precious time with them.  Your "Twin Flame," "Soul Mate" or "True Partner" is out there.  So if you decide that it is better to love and lose than not to love at all, don't settle for less.

Resiliency, Mindfulness and Self Love for Children

For many years, I've had this belief that children can benefit from lessons in resiliency.  What do I mean when I say, "resiliency?"  Well, what do we all need to be strong, resilient, happy and able to swiftly bounce back from negative events?  To be able to say, "No," to peer pressure.

What comes to mind first is self esteem; if you love yourself, no one can tell you you're less than or discourage you from following your dreams.  The next lesson, in my mind, would be empathy; if you can feel what it's like to walk in someone else's shoes, you probably are less inclined to bully others or want to start wars in the future. Next on this list would be gratitude; if you are grateful for what you have, you won't tend to envy others or allow yourself to become a victim of self pity.  Next, I would add relaxation ie learning how to de-stress to better cope with life's stressors.

Self Esteem
Empathy
Gratitude
Relaxation

If we are going to continue to improve on this earthly experience, we need to start with the children; teach them the coping skills they will need for resilience and the encouragement to love their neighbors to avoid war and violence in the future.  I would recommend meditation, yoga, positive psychology, mindfulness, law of attraction, tapping, etc.

But who will teach the children to be better than us?  It would be great to have these lessons in schools and some schools are incorporating some of these philosophies into their classrooms.  But to go a step beyond academia, this task would fall on the primary caregivers, parents, and more specifically mothers of the next generation.  I feel that this is the Era of the Feminine; it is up to the women, mothers, grandmothers, aunts, sisters, caregivers including male caregivers tapping into their "feminine side" to indoctrinate our next group of little humans in the importance of love and peace.

Do you think there is a demand for such a parenting class?  What is the most important lesson that we need to impart to our young ones?

Lisa