INTENTION MATTERS; Is it Your "Gut" Feeling or a "Trauma Response?"

By Lisa Tetreault, LMHC

As I've discussed in a previous blog we all have buttons from our childhoods.  If we were disrespected or bullied, we may automatically interpret innocent interactions as malicious.  When our buttons are pushed, the amygdala gets going which shuts down our prefrontal cortex and inhibits our access to our critical thinking skills.  So what can be done?  It is our responsibility to catch these triggers as soon as possible and shut down the interaction to allow for self soothing and a calm assessment of what went down.  

This is where the all important "intention" comes into play.  If someone who normally has your best interest at heart suddenly appears to be coming across as hurtful, this could be a case of misunderstanding; this is when inquiring re their intention could clear things up,  The challenge is this:  If you mistake your trauma response for your gut feelings, you may have difficulty making an objective assessment.  EFT Tapping can soothe the amygdala to make this possible.  Using coping strategies to self soothe can save you from accusing a trusted friend or family member of trying to hurt you.  Once you are calm and introspective, you can trust your judgment again.  

Does it make sense that someone who continually has your back all of a sudden has ill will against you?  The answer is you may have misinterpreted their intention.  There is, of course, a difference between a mean joke and playful teasing but it's more difficult to assess when you're triggered.  Hang up the phone or walk away from the interaction and take that time/space to be honest with yourself.  Your inner guidance will show you the way.

For more information on EFT Tapping, follow my YouTube channel at www.youtube.com/@lisa33428.

Happy Tapping!

 "I Am Loved and Respected."

Years ago, on my way to a celebratory event, I noticed my discomfort.  I had been looking forward to seeing many out of state family members and of course great food and conversation.  I realized that my discomfort was concerning a particular distant family member that would be there. I asked myself why I felt this way and it came to me; I felt repeatedly disrespected by him. Whenever we'd meet, he would get in my space, mess up my hair (I'm much older than him and higher in the hierarchy of our family) and speak in an ignorant, racist manner that he knew I distain.  I remembered a Law of Attraction video about setting your intentions before you go somewhere so I began reciting this affirmation in the car, "I am loved and respected," over and over.  When I arrived at the event, he was the first to greet me and guess what he said.  "It's so nice to see you; you're so loved and respected."  He said it again when he invited his son to greet me.  I thought, "I've got the power!"  I've been practicing the Law of Attraction ever since.

So what is bringing up this old memory today?  The Barbie Movie!  Spoiler Alert if you haven't seen it but it's about "Barbie Land" where Barbie is "loved and respected."  She knows nothing else since all the "Barbies" are successful, brilliant, beautiful and happy.  When she ventures out to the "Real World," she finds out that women hate her since they are not feeling loved and respected in the real world where men still rule, make more money, have more power and think they can control, molest, abuse and disrespect women at will. In my feminist opinion, centuries ago, ever since Man realized how superior women are, they have dedicated themselves to keeping it a secret from the world by continually pushing the narrative of the "Little Woman."  Barbie was happier in her "Barbie Land" bubble.  I can understand why.  

So now I live in a "Lisa Land" bubble.  Ever since the Pandemic, I've been blissfully working from home seeing counseling patients via video.  I feel rewarded, loved and respected and happy here.  I have most things delivered and even though the Pandemic has become an endemic, I still choose to limit my time "out among them." (a reference to the movie, "Witness.") lol

I do leave "Lisa Land" periodically and have mostly positive interactions in "The Real World," but when I do experience disrespectful men who exhibit passive aggressive behavior and gaslighting language, I use healthy boundaries and make it clear that it is not OK.  Whether they take responsibility for their behavior or not, I remind myself of a Maya Angelou quote:  "When people show you who they are, believe them."

"When women thrive, all society benefits."  

       -Kofi Annan, former Secretary-General of the UN

 Can Abusive Treatment Become Normalized?

In the past, I have felt confused when I see or hear of people that allow themselves to be in a relationship where they are disrespected and abused on a daily basis.  I understand that often times some get into situations in which they feel helpless to change, especially if this relationship is connected to their financial situation or basic needs ie room and board.  This could be a parent, spouse or employer that seems to have financial power over you.

But there are more reasons to relinquish power besides a fear of financial insecurity.  I'm sure we've all seen or heard of people who begin life in an abusive household, then date someone abusive and end up with an abusive spouse.  For those that don't understand how this can happen I'm going to explore some other situations when it can.

Of course, everything begins in childhood because one can't help but model after their parents' behaviors. If the marital behavior witnessed is disrespectful and abusive, one tends to file that in the subconscious for later relationships in life.  This is what one expects that an intimate partnership will look like.  

Another part of this scenario is that due to the tumult, unhappiness, anger and dissatisfaction of these parents, the children often receive the brunt of this ie neglect, emotional and/or physical abuse, abandonment feelings when one parent moves out and low self worth.  If these parents are not able to give unconditional love because of their own unhealthy emotional and mental status, a child can feel unlovable or not good enough to deserve love ie "If my own parents don't stay, comfort me or love me unconditionally, I must be less than what is necessary to receive those things.

This is how a child grows up to become the perfect adult victim of an abuser.  This type of early experience often results in low self worth, desperation and people pleasing ie settling for an unsuitable partner due to the limiting belief that one is lucky to get anyone to love the unlovable. Unfortunately, the abuser is choosing this victim because of this limiting belief knowing they can manipulate and build on it ie "No one else will want you and you will be all alone if you leave." They also realize that they must alienate anyone that may shine a light on the true nature of the abuser so they systematically demonize these friends/relatives one by one until their victim is solely dependent on their abuser.

There is another reason why I feel these relationships, as painful as they are, can be hard to leave.  Besides the limiting belief that this must be love since my parents treated me this way, there is the subconscious expectation that once the abuse is over, the apologies, make up behavior and forgiveness will feel good.  The forgiveness is for the victim since the abuser will make the case that they wouldn't have to hurt their victim if they behaved better.  This is called "gaslighting."

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, please know there is always a way out.  Don't give up hope. Call Women in Distress of Broward County, FL Hotline at 954-761-1133 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. Print this information out and keep it in your purse to share or in case of emergency.

"Can We Still Be Friends?"

What is a good friend? I know that a good friend is there for you when you need them.  They are happy no matter where you go or what you do together; you share common interests and values, and are kind and encouraging to each other.  You accept each other for your authentic selves.  You share your lives and make each other laugh. 

How am I doing so far?  Am I hitting most of the "friend" points?  What about sharing thoughts, opinions, feelings and experiences?  So far I'm on board; but is it necessary to continually share all of our complaints, fears, negative experiences and judgments with each other as well?  This is where I begin to back off. 

I guess as long as there is a healthy balance of negative vs positive topics discussed, it could be beneficial and I am certainly willing to lend an ear to a friend that needs to vent or is going through a challenging time.  But what if a friend only tells you the sad stories, the negative parts of their lives, their complaints and judgments of people in their world and the fearful "what ifs" of their nightmares?  What if their lives seem to consist of one unwanted, negative experience after another? 

What about the Law of Attraction?  If we attract what we focus on, do we attract more of the negative events that a pessimistic friend shares?  What about the health problems that are sure to follow someone with this negative mindset?  I know that not everyone is conscious of the importance of being mindful and putting things into perspective but it can be challenging for a mindful friend to keep a positive and grateful vibe around a negative, judgmental friend. 

I guess with effort, one can work on enveloping themselves in a protective shield from unwanted energy.  But once you figure out how to stay in the Vortex as much as possible, you get to really like that feeling of happiness and joy and become protective of it.  You realize who and what detracts from that feeling and tend to slowly but surely avoid them more and more.  Is this selfishness or self care?  Is it considered abandonment or self preservation?

So again, my question remains, "What is a good friend?"

Do You Want Your Partner to Change? (or do you want a new partner?)

Sometimes I get a male client that comes to therapy because his wife says he needs to change.  These are usually well meaning husbands that are trying to change but still cannot please their wives no matter how they try. They feel like they come up short despite their efforts.  Their wives continually remark on their deficits and these men eventually end up taking all the blame for any problems in the marriage.  These men are "sent" to therapy when it may be the wives that need it. Maybe these wives don't want to admit that there is nothing their man can do to please them; maybe they want a different man.

Usually we are attracted to someone that reminds us of a parent that we still have issues with.  Then as time goes by we question the reason we "married our father/mother!"  There are always things about the person you live with that will bug you; some behaviors may be changeable with good communication and effort.  But what if these women are asking their spouses to be someone else? This is reminding me of my previous blog on infidelity.

Maybe they don't want to admit that the behaviors and attributes that they are demanding not only don't come naturally but may be impossible for their husband to sustain.  Is it fair to ask your spouse to be someone else when he was accepted for his authentic self for years?  Now it's just not good enough and the men are puzzled.  Have these women realized that they married the wrong partner but because of finances, children, and/or stability they don't want to admit it?  If they are sending their spouses to individual therapy and not accompanying them to couples counseling, are they taking any responsibility for their own part in this marital dance?

So ladies, I guess what I'm trying to say is that no one's perfect; weigh the pro's and con's of your husband's attributes and behaviors and appreciate and concentrate on the positives.  Then decide what needs are and are not being met in the marriage and choose your deal breakers.  It's really not fair to convince your mate that everything is his fault and that his authentic self is not good enough for you anymore.  This can result in low self esteem which can result in losing respect for him and his contemplating getting his ego stroked elsewhere.  Why not just let him go and find someone that will think his authentic self is awesome.  Don't we all deserve to be with someone who loves us for who we really are?

Once a Cheater Always a Cheater?

In some cultures/countries, the moral code about monogamy is more lax than in the U.S.  There are also people we may call "players" who get a thrill from deceiving a partner while putting another "notch on their belt" so to speak. There are also those that are selfish, narcissistic and will do whatever pleases them without a conscience even if it hurts others.  Self esteem may play a part in these situations but I am not addressing these examples.

I would like to discuss a topic that arises from time to time with a female client's male counterpart.
They have a man in their life that adores them, can't do enough for them and continually confesses love for them and then is caught cheating on them.  This seems to happen in new relationships as well as long lasting marriages.  When the couple inevitably comes to couples counseling, the wife will ask, "why," and the husband usually says that he doesn't know why.  He explains that he means what he says when he says it ie "I love you. I want to spend my life with you.  There is no one else on this planet for me; just you."

How can this be?  They profess their love and within minutes they're calling their mistress to make a date for the weekend.  This is the most puzzling form of ambivalence I've ever seen; changing their minds from one minute to the next and then making horribly bad decisions that can disrupt the lives of everyone that is involved ie the spouse, the kids, the mistress' spouse if applicable and of course, the cheater who may lose his home, his wife and his family life.

So, what would cause someone to oscillate back and forth like this and take such a big risk? Initially, it may seem like a selfishness ie wanting his cake and wanting to eat it as well and maybe, this is part of the equation.  But what if this isn't as cut and dry as "I want what I want when I want it?"

Some people act out of fear instead of love ie fear of judgment, fear of aging, and/or fear of not deserving happiness to name a few.  What if some of these scenarios are driven by low self esteem, feelings of unworthiness and feelings of not deserving what they have?  Could this also be a form of self sabotage?   If a spouse or partner has low self esteem, they may feel that they cannot feel good about themselves unless they prove they are attractive to another member of the opposite sex.  (This is very similar to my last blog on low self esteem in women, "If a tree falls...")

As anyone who has read my blogs on Self Esteem knows, self love comes from inside and trying to prove worthiness with external things and people is fruitless.  So this spouse/partner seeks his self esteem with an affair and then feels worse about himself for acting so deceitfully.  Am I making excuses for these lost souls?  No way!  I'm just saying that there may be more than one reason for this kind of behavior.

Summation:  Communication is one of the most important pieces of a successful relationship.  If a partner is feeling less than, it may be time to ask for help from a spouse, therapist, or someone that can assist with a much needed shift in thinking.  I know it's hard not to judge in these situations but perhaps it would be more beneficial to try.  Remember, we are talking about those that are willing to get help and that are trying to change; those that feel empathy and remorse due to the pain and suffering they've caused. Unfortunately, this may not guarantee that it won't happen again.

Do I think a second chance is warranted?  No one can decide that for someone else.  Only you know what your "deal breakers" are.  I recommend you "go with your gut."

If a Tree Falls......?

Most of us have heard the saying, "If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?"  I'm thinking yes.  lol  Which leads me to my new blog; if a woman doesn't have a man telling her that she's desirable, lovable, and/or attractive, can she still be those things?

I know I haven't written in a while, but I could not ignore how many female clients came in this week with this topic on their minds.  So many women continue to give away their power by allowing others, especially men, to define their self worth.  Many women feel that if they are not "coupled" or in a relationship with a man, they are less than and/or unlovable; they have not yet learned to be happy and love and value themselves without having a man's attention.

This can be quite damaging to their self esteem especially if and when a man puts them down, leaves, or things don't work out between them.  They will tend to blame themselves and carry the limiting belief that no one else will have them thus making desperate decisions the next time any man pays them attention.  Instead of working on their self esteem and waiting for a healthy partnership, they jump at the first chance to couple again which more times than not ends up very similar to their past unsatisfying relationships.

It's almost like having a sign on your forehead or a sonar homing device attached to your head; the men that are looking for someone easily manipulated hone in on women like this hence another pattern of their self esteem being held hostage by this new partner.  You would think that these men all read the same book because they all seem to do the same thing ie they find a woman and begin their assessment.

First they may make some jokes about the woman's appearance or give "constructive" criticism about how they could look better.  If their victim accepts this veiled emotional abuse they go in for the kill; they tell her they love her right away, tell her how beautiful she is continuously and needs to know where she is at all times in the guise of caring so much about her.  Talks about their future although they just met and puts down her friends/family if he can't fool them with his charm.

Once he alienates most of her friends and family, he has her undivided attention and that's when the brainwashing begins.  This usually manifests in anger, put downs, punishments like the silent treatment and sometimes physical abuse; next come the apologies and the rationale that he wouldn't do those mean things if she behaved differently ie gas lighting and making it her fault.  Eventually, the woman feels inferior and that she cannot trust her own judgment anymore.  Not a pretty picture.

Well, I didn't know I was going to end up writing about this type of scenario but maybe it will motivate some women to work on their self esteem to avoid this type of relationship.  I would recommend reading anything by Louise Hay especially "You Can Heal Your Life" and listen to her affirmations on YouTube.  A good therapist can also help to improve self esteem and address any limiting beliefs that linger.  EMDR can also address the more deep seated "buttons" that have resulted from relationships like these.

Learn to love yourself and acknowledge your own awesomeness!

Namaste,

Lisa

ARE YOU FRUSTRATED WITH THE LAW OF ATTRACTION?

I've been listening to Abraham -Hicks a lot lately and at times I get frustrated with their recommendations for "Law of Attraction."  They intimate that the usual reactions to unwanted life situations are "conditional" life responses and that we are more in alignment when we react in an "unconditional," mindful way.  My interpretation of this is that when upsetting things happen, we are not supposed to get upset.  This seems like a pretty tall order for most human beings.  This is why positive thinking gets such a bad reputation.  It sounds more like denial and/or stuffing feelings which is not helpful.  It doesn't seem doable, logical or natural.

Well, it is not natural.  Most of us have not been taught to be so mindful that we can immediately go to our "Zen" place when life becomes challenging.  I think they need to give us permission to feel bad or temporarily freak out before taking our mindful step back.  For example, when tragedy strikes are we expected to react like a robot?  Are we discouraged from talking about unwanted things in a therapy session or grieving our losses when they occur?  Even Louise Hay understood the need for tapping on unwanted situations/feelings stating, "If you're cleaning the house, you need to see where the dirt is!"

It is therapeutic to process unwanted life experiences and respond to tragedy with appropriate sadness.  Sometimes, no matter what our spiritual beliefs are on death/dying, we miss the physical form of our deceased loved ones and feel sadness around their loss.  So, the question is "Can we focus on "contrast" or things we don't want/like without attracting more of the same?"  I'm guessing that there needs to be a happy medium.

I don't know what the appropriate time frame is since everyone grieves/responds to events differently and I would not "rate" anyone's progress on moving forward from an event.  As those of us who have read Kubler-Ross know, the steps of bereavement do not go in any sequential order; some days we go forward and sometimes we go back a bit.  It is not helpful to put guilt on mourners on top of their feelings of grief.

So my conclusion is this:  I understand that we are spiritual beings having a physical experience, but sometimes it takes a bit longer to get to a place of, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Feeling bad about feeling bad is not beneficial; knowing how to "self-soothe" and trying to see a silver lining is.  Knowing how to reach out for help when needed and attempting to move into a more positive mind space eventually will begin the healing.  Being able to put things into perspective and not "sweating the small stuff," decreasing judgment of yourself and others and having gratitude will ultimately create a better quality of life.  This is called "allowing" more of what you want and like.

Wishing you an abundance of days in the vortex, in alignment and in the "receiving mode."

Lisa

RE-WRITE YOUR STORY!

I haven't written in a while but again, a common theme has arisen among my clients.  I've written about re-framing and concentrating on positives, but this takes it one step further.  The way you tell your "story" or the way you look at and describe your past, can make a big difference in the way you see yourself and your life in the present.  Many things happen to us in life that we would not choose for ourselves.  If we continuously ruminate about these unfortunate events and wear them like a "badge of honor, we can become "victimized" by them.

Re-writing your story is a very helpful tool to enable you to move forward; when telling someone about your unwanted past experiences, don't forget to include what you learned from the events and why your life is better for them.  The proverbial "silver lining" is inevitable.  As time goes by, you will realize that everything always works out.  I know this sounds kind of "Pollyanna-ish" but doesn't it? After the dust settles, life goes on and hopefully you will get past it and understand why it had to happen. Of course, therapy/counseling can facilitate this process.

I don't mean to sound callous for believe me, I have had my own unwanted past experiences including great loss and heartache.  But I can now see how it all has brought me to where I am today. If I continued to tell my sad story over and over again and lived in the past, I wouldn't have been able to move forward and pursue my life's purpose.

This goes for present scenarios as well; the way we interpret events will determine the quality of our lives and maybe steer its path!  If we can be mindful of what's happening and take a moment to take a step back long enough to to put things into perspective, it can be an "easier pill to swallow." By avoiding the victim role, we can retain hope for the future instead of the self fulfilling prophecy for more "bad luck."

These happenings that we don't like or want are meant as contrast; by experiencing them, we find out what it is that we do like and want, and send out our "rockets of desire" in an attempt to attract more positive situations.  The more we can maintain that "high flying" feeling of what we want, the easier it will be to manifest our dreams.

So please give yourselves permission to dream big and may all of your wishes come true.  I'm sending you safe and dry vibes during Hurricane Matthew.  Be well.  :)

Is It Better to Have Loved and Lost Than Not to Love at All?

We've all experienced the proverbial broken heart.  Whether in adolescence or adulthood, we all remember "the one that got away," the one that didn't love us as much as we loved them, the one that made us feel "abandoned."  The pain of a first or second or third or any breakup almost feels like a stab to the heart; it's hard to eat, sleep and/or enjoy life again. It stings and can create a "hot button." It's hard to believe that love could ever come again then lo and behold, a new perfect lover appears!

If love is so painful, how do we risk the vulnerability of being hurt again?  How do we forget the past and jump in all over again?  Here is one "how" scenario:  we love, we lose that love, we swear never to love again, we find a new love interest, we convince ourselves that this time is different and here we go again.  We are able to rationalize that this time we won't need our bullet proof vests but deep down inside, we regret taking them off.

Another question could be "why?"  Why would we risk the chance of feeling the pain of loss again?
Well, there are those that have great difficulty being on their own without a "mate."  If someone is not happy with their own company and does not know how to make themselves happy, there may be a desperate feeling to "couple" again.  Some people do not feel lovable, desirable or attractive unless they have a significant other to tell them they are lovable, desirable and attractive; this is a dangerous premise as we've discussed in previous blog entries on self esteem.  Allowing others to define your self worth creates a very dangerous "why" scenario and may result in a badly treated partner staying in a very dissatisfying relationship. Some are just "addicted to love" or that rush you get with someone new.  Others may really want to create a family and understand the rewards of sharing one's life with a partner and the joy of raising children.

Often we acquire life's little "buttons" over the years and the "fear of abandonment" button is a huge one. So how do humans continue to go forth and propagate? What is the best mindset to navigate this "sea of love?"  My advice as a clinician would be to incorporate healthy boundaries ie get to know your prospective partner slowly before removing the "vest" completely.  Also, you may want to look at any similarities between past unsuccessful relationships and the type of partner you are choosing.  I would also recommend being able to be on your own in between relationships and work on your self esteem before jumping into those "waters" again.

We all deserve love and respect.  Sometimes we may remove our life vests prematurely but through the pain of "contrast" and loss we learn what we like, want and hope for. Remember, you may have to cut the sharks loose if they accidentally get caught in your net. If someone doesn't value you for you, they are not a true match; don't waste your precious time with them.  Your "Twin Flame," "Soul Mate" or "True Partner" is out there.  So if you decide that it is better to love and lose than not to love at all, don't settle for less.

Resiliency, Mindfulness and Self Love for Children

For many years, I've had this belief that children can benefit from lessons in resiliency.  What do I mean when I say, "resiliency?"  Well, what do we all need to be strong, resilient, happy and able to swiftly bounce back from negative events?  To be able to say, "No," to peer pressure.

What comes to mind first is self esteem; if you love yourself, no one can tell you you're less than or discourage you from following your dreams.  The next lesson, in my mind, would be empathy; if you can feel what it's like to walk in someone else's shoes, you probably are less inclined to bully others or want to start wars in the future. Next on this list would be gratitude; if you are grateful for what you have, you won't tend to envy others or allow yourself to become a victim of self pity.  Next, I would add relaxation ie learning how to de-stress to better cope with life's stressors.

Self Esteem
Empathy
Gratitude
Relaxation

If we are going to continue to improve on this earthly experience, we need to start with the children; teach them the coping skills they will need for resilience and the encouragement to love their neighbors to avoid war and violence in the future.  I would recommend meditation, yoga, positive psychology, mindfulness, law of attraction, tapping, etc.

But who will teach the children to be better than us?  It would be great to have these lessons in schools and some schools are incorporating some of these philosophies into their classrooms.  But to go a step beyond academia, this task would fall on the primary caregivers, parents, and more specifically mothers of the next generation.  I feel that this is the Era of the Feminine; it is up to the women, mothers, grandmothers, aunts, sisters, caregivers including male caregivers tapping into their "feminine side" to indoctrinate our next group of little humans in the importance of love and peace.

Do you think there is a demand for such a parenting class?  What is the most important lesson that we need to impart to our young ones?

Lisa

FEAR AND "DIS-EASE"

Fear is the usual feeling when life is uncertain.  Unfortunately, it feels horrible and lowers your mood, vibration and possibly your immune system.  Research is now revealing that feelings of stress, fear and anxiety can contribute to medical problems which can also be called, "Dis-ease."  As a licensed mental health counselor, I see clients who experience unwanted feelings like these quite often and speak of them in our sessions. How does discussing this help a client?

Research shows that a good rapport between a clinician and a client is very beneficial and results in hope which often extinguishes fear.  This can raise mood/vibration and facilitate the processing of feelings and the ability to create a new, more positive and empowered story.  This optimistic vibration facilitates the achievement of good mental/medical health. In this frame of mind, it is also easier to deconstruct events and understand which buttons are being pushed.

The impetus for writing on this topic today, came from a conversation about a "healer" in Brazil who calls himself, John of God.  Then he turned up in the book I'm reading, "Co-creating at Its Best" by Wayne Dyer and Esther Hicks.  This book is a transcript of a conversation between Wayne Dyer and a "wise, collective consciousness," Abraham Hicks.

In the book, when Wayne told Abraham the story about this man who psychically healed his cancer, Abraham told him that he healed himself; that John of God allowed him to relax long enough to allow this vibration of self healing. I've heard that when someone is using Reiki to heal someone, they are helping their client to heal themselves.

So, is a mental health counseling session similar to a Reiki or John of God session?  During therapy, can we learn to separate from our fears, raise our vibrations and relax enough to heal ourselves? Is your therapist helping you to heal yourself?

Let me know what you think!

Lisa

Selfishness VS Selflessness; When Kindness Turns Into People Pleasing and Co-Dependent Behavior

"You don't have to light yourself on fire to keep others warm!"

Through synchronicity with my clients, similar themes usually arise each week.  This week it was the desire to please others.  Of course, it's nice to want to please others and/or do nice things for people; that really isn't what I'm talking about.  I think when we lose a sense of ourselves and our desires, we get into trouble.  Making other people's moods more important than our own is codependent behavior. When we have limiting beliefs that we are not deserving and become selfless, people lose respect and sometimes take advantage.

First of all, unless we are speaking of a dependent child, we are not responsible for others' happiness; each of us has a specific job in life and it is learning how to make ourselves happy and hopefully finding one's life's purpose.  So why do so many people feel the need to ignore their wants/dreams to appease someone else?

Sometimes it's the message you got growing up ie "selfishness is evil", "your parents are always right," "you are not allowed to disappoint others especially your parents", and "just suck it up."

First of all, some selfishness can be a good thing; if you do not choose yourself first, you will stuff your feelings and say yes when you mean no.  This can and will affect your mental and physical health and when you're not healthy, you cannot help anyone.

If you disappoint someone, it is up to them to learn how to cope with disappointment; it's their stuff and we all need to learn this for a happy life.  The hardest one for many is disappointing your parents. When growing up you are constantly told to respect them and take their word as gospel; it feels very uncomfortable when you become an adult and this shift in perspective happens.

I would recommend to come from love instead of ego when trying this.  Just advise these hopefully well meaning people, "Don't worry; I got this," or "I have to say no this time," and you will find a sense of relief to act as your authentic self and follow your own guidance/bliss/judgment.

The answer is inside of you.  Sit quietly long enough and you will hear it.

Lisa

How To Tell Intrusive Thoughts to "Shut Up!"

I have mentioned the Law of Attraction in some of my blog entries.  Whenever I hear experts give advice/instruction on how to use LOA successfully, I can't help but think about people who suffer with intrusive thoughts.

Many of my clients come in complaining that they have these absurd thoughts that come into their heads and cause much distress.  Sometimes it's a "what if" type thought ie "What if something bad or catastrophic happens" when there is nothing indicating any chance of this scenario happening. Other intrusive thoughts can be the exact opposite of what the client is about ie fear of killing someone that they love, killing themselves but not really desiring this outcome, fear of doing something that they would never ever do.

These compulsive thoughts can be a symptom of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  But what if we are attracting things by our thoughts?  If we continuously worry about something will it come true? Then we can say "see, I told you!" and have it manifest as a self fulfilling prophecy?  What is the cause of this and what can be done?

As I've mentioned before, we all have difficulty changing thought patterns and habits.  Evidently, when our brains are "looping" in the same pattern, it is because our synapses are becoming "addicted" to that pattern.  This is why it's so challenging to change a habit/pattern of thought/behavior.  I believe that people with intrusive thoughts and OCD may start out with these patterns due to anxiety and then they become more and more prevalent as the synapses enjoy the consistency of these thoughts and behaviors.

I have created a coping method for any intrusive thoughts or patterns/habits that you want to change. I will name it the "Shut Up Mantra."  I have a couple of clients that have named their's, "Harry,"
Whenever they have an unwanted, intrusive thought, they say, "Shut up, Harry!"  This not only makes them laugh but also reminds them to change their thinking right away.

So whenever your inner voice says, "What if the house burns down while I'm at work," or "Check the lock again (for the 5th time), or "What if I die today," ETC, just say "Shut up, (choose a name)_______!"  Then immediately go to a positive thought or behavior to distract yourself from the unwanted thought.  Your synapses will eventually give up on that pattern and your brain will begin to loop in a positive direction instead of the old negative way.

Let me know if this S.U.M.helps anyone!

Lisa

PBS, CBT and LOA

I was looking for PBS on TV so that I could record the show, "Poldark" when I found Daniel Tiger. Daniel Tiger is a children's animated learning show.  As soon as I listened to the first song that came up and the dialog Daniel the Tiger spoke, I knew that the writers were doing exactly what I've been hoping educators/parents would do.

The message was, "when you feel sad or fearful, think about what makes you happy."  This is brilliant!  From a cognitive-behavioral standpoint, this is changing the way a child thinks and teaching them an invaluable coping method.  If a child uses this type of technique, they will be more motivated to do the things they like to do without unrealistic fear which will change their behavior which will make them feel better and want to do more things that will elevate their mood which will make them want to do more things which will.....well you get the picture.  Brain chemistry will improve in a pattern I describe as  "a viscious cycle of success."

But let's look more closely at this brain chemistry thing.  Not only will Serotonin/Dopamine levels increase, but the child's synapses are being trained.  What I have learned from various authors like
Dr. Joe Dispenza ("You Are the Placebo"), the reason we have such a hard time changing a pattern/habit is because of these pesky synapses.  They get into a groove from repetitive thought to the point where they get "addicted" to it; if we continually think or do something enough, those synapses become like magnets for each other and you automatically go back to familiar ways of thinking/acting.  When you try to break out of these patterns/habits, it feels so "off" and uncomfortable, that we start to rationalize reasons why we should change this habit tomorrow instead of today.  Hence the reason diet companies are raking in the dough while we are eating to much (pizza) dough.  lol  Persevering through the initial days of change can train your synapses to get addicted to positive ways of thinking/acting and you're off on your VCS! (Viscious Cycle of Success)

But let's take this brilliant idea a step further!  As if better mood isn't reward enough, what if the Law of Attraction really works?  What if this children's writer is not only teaching coping skills for mood elevation and a happier life but also teaching LOA?  If what you think creates your life and thinking about what you want/like/hope for attracts just that, could these children be a new generation of the paradigm shift that I wrote about in my first blog entry?  If kids are taught to dwell on positives and learn how to self soothe, there will be less fighting and discord which can translate eventually to a more peaceful adulthood and world.

This brings me to the next blog topic that I've been reading about.  People who follow their "inner voice" and do the things that they love and feel passionate about, and that "feel right," are happier than those that don't.  By ignoring our "inner guidance systems" and doing what others tell us we should do, we may be setting ourselves up for disappointment and dysphoria.  These children are learning to think/listen to their intuition re what they like/want/hope for; a very good start.

Lisa

Self Fulfilling Prophecies and Limiting Beliefs

Some of you may have heard the phrase, "If you think you can't, you can't."  What does that mean? Well, if you think you can't, you certainly won't try, which makes it impossible to prove that you can! But what about the law of attraction theorists?  They would recommend that to attract success, you envision yourself being successful instead of trying to picture yourself failing   Even if the law of attraction doesn't exist, you will be happier thinking about what you want, like and hope for.  Some people are afraid to "get their hopes up too high" which makes me sad; that means you will never allow yourself to hope, dream and get excited about something you want and like.  I say go for the joy and follow your bliss and ride the wave!

I know I'm getting a little too happy but is there such a thing as too happy?  I was listening to an Abraham Hicks recording recently and something stood out; they discourage us from thinking and feeling how it would be if negative things do not change, why not think about how it will be when these negative situations turn themselves around to more positive ones.  In other words, why do I want change and why will it be awesome?  Then the limiting beliefs set in ie "That will never happen for me."  "I can't have that kind of happiness."  "I am stuck."

I suggest that you take 2 of your most prevalent limiting beliefs and turn them into positives.  For example, change  "I'll never get a good job"  to "It's possible that I could get a good job."  Another one could be "I can never be happy again after what has happened in my life"  and change it to "Maybe it is possible that I will be happy again someday."  Once you crack open those negative believes and let in a little ray of sunshine or hope, you can start envisioning how it could be if your dreams came true.  Then take the 2 new transformed statements of hope and say them everyday for a week and let me know if you feel better or not. (and especially let me know if you manifest your dreams!)

I hope your self fulfilling prophecies are of joy, love and happiness.

Lisa

What is Emotional Freedom Therapy? EFT

Emotional Freedom Therapy or EFT is what most people know as "Tapping."  I have to admit that the first time that I heard of a therapist using this, I was quite skeptical.  Now I understand that there is actually a physiological reason that it works.

EFT is like Acupuncture without the needles.  It is tapping on the meridians in your body where an acupuncturist would put the needles.  The great thing about EFT is that anyone can do it anytime and any place.  (although you may get some strange looks if done in public.  lol)  You don't need to be a therapist or medical clinician to do it and you don't need to be in the presence of a clinician while doing it.  And the best news, besides its efficacy, is that it is free.  Doesn't cost a cent.  Once you learn it, there is no way to mess it up or endanger yourself.  Anyone can do it; even children!

In my last blog we talked a little about the amygdala and how it effects how we feel and behave. According to Nick Ortner, author of "The Tapping Solution,"  'The limbic system is the source of emotions and long-term memory, and it’s where negative experiences are encoded. The amygdala has been called the body’s smoke detector. “Uh-oh, here comes trouble,” says the amygdala. “Something is threatening our safety.” It signals the brain to mobilize the body in the fight-or-flight response. Tapping on the meridian endpoints helps to deactivate the amygdala’s alarm and sends a calming response to the body, and the amygdala recognizes that it’s safe.'  Whether your safety is truly being threatened or not, it would be good to know how to calm yourself in the face of danger or the unwarranted fear of it.

I recommend visiting www.thetappingsolution.com to watch an instructional video; this is how that website describes tapping:  'The basic technique requires you to focus on the negative emotion at hand: a fear or anxiety, a bad memory, or any other aspect around an unresolved problem, or anything that’s bothering you. While maintaining your mental focus on this issue, use your fingertips to tap 5-7 times each on 12 of the body’s meridian points. Tapping on these meridian points – while concentrating on accepting and resolving the negative emotion – will access your body’s energy, restoring it to a balanced state.' 

My clients that have been open to trying EFT have reported significant improvement, progress and relief from anxiety, pain and unease.  There are many books and videos to learn more about tapping and some therapists like myself who incorporate it into their mental health practice.

Happy Tapping!

Lisa

The Amygdala, The Parasympathetic Nervous System and Self Healing

This morning I was looking for some YouTube videos on Tapping/EFT (Emotional Freedom Therapy) for friends and clients.  The one I ended up listening to and forwarding is one where Nick Ortner ("The Tapping Solution") was interviewing Dr Lissa Rankin, OB/GYN ("Mind Over Medicine")  They were talking about the "placebo effect" and the body's ability to heal itself.  The scientific explanation they used was that when we catastrophize/worry/stress, we send a message to the Amygdala ie "attack is imminent" and the Parasympathetic Nervous System goes into the "fight or flight" mode; during this mode, the body is too busy to work on self regulating/healing itself.

I think that some people do not like to hear about the idea that our bodies can heal themselves because if their body isn't healing itself, what does that say about them as a person?  Are they less than for failing to heal themselves?  Why isn't it working for them?  Also, if we can make ourselves well, can we make ourselves sick and if I am sick did I do this to myself?  Lots of guilt and feelings of low self worth may arise.

I believe that the trick here is not to blame yourself but to dig deeper into your thoughts, ideas, worries, painful memories and dissatisfaction with certain areas of your life.  Having limiting beliefs and worries does not make you a bad person; it makes you a human being.  Addressing these things in various ways ie in therapy or by using EFT to get to the bottom of them just makes you a happier human being.

One statement often expressed is, "I'm stressed out because I hate my job/marriage/living situation and I am stuck there due to finances."  Believe me, that was my mantra for years and years!  Once you can find a modicum of hope that maybe this is a limiting belief, your thinking can begin to change and a shift can take place. Once you allow yourself to open your mind to an alternate paradigm, many wonderful changes can take place.  Remember, if you think you can't, you can't.

Meditation, exercise, and a healthy diet are great ways to reduce stress, but other modes like therapy and EFT can take this a step further by getting to the crux of the faulty, hopeless assumptions and begin to move your thinking into a more hopeful, authentic mindset that can effect your mental and medical health in a positive way.

I'll talk more on EFT in my next blog.

Best wishes,

Lisa

Jealousy

Before you read this entry I want to warn you that there are aspects of the Law of Attraction in it; if this is not your cup of tea, take what you like and leave the rest. :)


I think most of us have felt jealous from time to time when someone else has what we want. Although we may be happy for our friends that have "things" we've been wanting, feeling a twinge of jealousy may be more common than we would like to admit.  I was thinking about this and realized that there is more than one reason that this does not serve us.

First of all, it would not be kind to begrudge a friend their happiness because we haven't received what they have.  But the other side of the coin is that the reason we may be jealous is not only wanting what they have but also losing hope of getting it ourselves.  If we have hope and optimism while waiting for our turn, I don't think jealousy would factor in.

So the real issue here is losing faith/hope that better things are coming our way.  If you've been reading about the Law of Attraction in my past blogs, you know that we must feel the way we're going to feel when we get these "things" in order to attract them; we need to send out positive vibrations to get what we want.  Otherwise, we are not "allowing" them to come to us.  So jealousy is a negative, low vibration that can cancel out your "rockets of desire."

Whatever it is that you are dreaming of ie a new job, new home, new car, more money, a new business, a new romantic relationship, etc, keep dreaming.  Don't worry about the time frame or how it will materialize for it may come when you least expect it and look totally different from what you had in mind.

Keep sending out those positive vibes and have gratitude and faith; your turn is on its way!

Enjoy your weekend,

Lisa

Science, Positive Psychology and Spirituality

I know I promised to write about co-dependence but something else came up that will lead us to that topic.  I was watching Shawn Achor, author of "The Happiness Advantage, on Super Soul Sunday. He was saying many things that I have said to my clients including this: Science, Psychology and Spirituality are all saying the same thing in different words!  Religion and Spirituality have always been recommending love and gratitude for a happier life.  Now the sciences are getting on board with this school of thought.

When we come from love, instead of ego, and are grateful for what we have in our lives, we are happier.  This is the way of thinking for most religious and spiritual people but it is also recommended in Psychology. Cognitive Therapy is probably the most common modality in psychological treatment today. Cognitive Therapy is changing the way that you think; by rewriting your story and interpreting your life in a positive light, you will probably be happier and experience improved mental health.  Positive Psychology is recommending less judgment and more gratitude and forgiveness; separating from others' behaviors/words and avoid depending on others for your happiness and self worth; we are all responsible for our own happiness which brings me to Co-Dependency.

Many people think that Co-Dependency means you are dependent on other people too much; this is not the whole definition.  People that exhibit co-dependent behavior do depend on others but mostly for them to define their self worth. People pleasing is a co-dependent behavior; when you say, "yes" when you mean "no," you are not being your authentic self.  When I ask clients why they say "yes" even at the expense of their own mental health, they usually respond that, "People won't like me if I say, "no."  They explain that if someone doesn't like them, they have no self worth.  Allowing others to define your self worth is giving away your power and setting you up for a fall later.  This goes back to my blog on self esteem/self worth; if someone tells you you're stupid and unworthy, does that make it true?

Now Science is weighing in on happiness.  Researchers are studying brain activity/changes and are finding physiological evidence that the way we think and respond to life and others affects our physical health. Studies are showing that meditation and positive thinking can improve your physical health despite your DNA and predispositions to illness via your genes.

So when studying the path to Happiness via your spiritual beliefs, your mental health, or your medical/physical health, you will eventually come to the same conclusion; LOVE.  When you love yourself, you take better care of yourself and are happier; this in turn creates the desire to show love to others which continues that happiness cycle.  Maybe the Hippies were on to something after all?

Enjoy the rest of your weekend,

Lisa